Romance Is Dying, Here’s How To Save It
Sorry, technology, I love you, but you’re ruining romance. You’re killing it. Sucking the life out of it. You’re the death knell of courtship—a soon-to-be lost art if someone doesn’t do something about it.
On one hand, technology has been a shot in the arm to dating, helping people find love when they previously couldn’t or wouldn’t. Some people wouldn’t even have a love life if not for online dating and dating apps.
Online dating helped me when I was single, but that was in the early days, before people forgot how to be romantic.
How is technology killing romance? Let me count the ways:
No one has patience anymore
No one’s willing to look closer or go deeper, because it takes too damn long. It’s all about instant gratification, the next swipe, the bigger, better deal. If the chemistry isn’t immediate, forget it. There’s little desire to court someone, and let a romance build slowly. “A digital system based on instant gratification has dissolved the virtue of patience—a critical element of seduction and successful courtship,” says matchmaker Alyssa Bunn
No one is willing to invest either, because A) It takes too much time, and B) There’s too much choice out there. Does anyone really get to know anyone anymore? Not when there’s the problem of “choice overload,” “option paralysis,” or “FOBO,” fear of a better option.
There’s zero interest in going past someone’s looks
Digital dating has made people shallow. Trying to fix up my friends has become a frustrating exercise, since most can’t or won’t go past one’s looks. “Send me a picture first,” they say. What happened before technology, before profile pictures and social media, when people got fixed up based on personal recommendation? What happened to the element of surprise?
It’s dead, I tell you. No one wants to take a chance. If they’re not a 10, sorry I’ll pass. I call these people “Lookists,” because they discriminate based on looks.
Writer American Jebus, offers a most depressing view of it:
“Dating apps have become an endless buffet of dick-pic-obsessed Lotharios and airbrushed Aphrodites hand delivered to your phone, leading to a gluttony of saccharine fulfillment, romantic empty calories that pack on dead weight to your ego’s waistline. It’s an inflated sense of self-worth that could lead singles to feel entitled to a dating life that they don’t have to work for, especially when they can acquire and discard people like baseball cards.”
If technology is making people shallow, it’s also making them insecure and self-conscious. How can you not be when you see all you see are filtered, flawless people online? I don’t care if it’s Instagram, Tinder, or Porn Hub, it’s enough to make even the most confident of daters feel like shit.
Business psychology professor T.Chamorrow-Premuzi believes that Tinder is capable of damaging one’s self-esteem and confidence, while aggravating or even causing anxiety and depression. The problem with Tinder-like dating apps, according to him, is that they can be more arousing than the actual hookup.
No one talks on the phone anymore
And that’s a shame, because there’s nothing sexier or more intimate than hearing a real human voice on the other end of a phone.
Today’s default courting protocol is texting—a cowardly way to communicate, and a dangerous one, too. Things get lost in translation, verbal cues/clues get missed, and feelings get misconstrued. What you may gain in the efficiency of texting, you definitely lose in intimacy and true emotional connection.
Sorry, but emojis aren’t a replacement for emotional connection either.
People are lazy and fearful
They’re forgetting how to meet IRL. They’re forgetting how to flirt and make eye contact. They’re afraid of rejection, being vulnerable, and now, in the age of #MeToo, they’re scared to make a move, approach someone, or even strike up a conversation. People just don’t want to do the work, and yes, dating is work. Romance is work, but that’s what makes it romantic! It’s the effort, stupid!
Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I fear we’re losing the human element in dating, and millennial writer Erica Berger agrees:
“Off of the apps, it’s not the same numbers game anymore. If anything, it’s gotten harder. People are more dependent on their dating apps, and qualitatively speaking, I’m noticing less people approach each other in the real world. Why take a risk on the ‘you never know’ when you can simply retreat to your phone later? Why accidentally talk to someone who isn’t available or isn’t interested, only to be rejected, when you have a location-based dating service persistently available in your pocket? There is a chance that if they are available, you’ll be able to find them on one of the services later, right?”
Romance, dating, courting are like muscles that need to be flexed. Use it or lose it, otherwise they’ll atrophy and wither away altogether. Romance, with all the hope, wonder, excitement, mystery, and heartbreak that comes with it, must be kept alive at all costs!
So how do we save romance from the death spiral of technology?
Put the humanity back in it for starters.
If you’re on dating apps, be nice. Be courteous and considerate. Don’t breadcrumb, ghost, bench, or any other egregious thing. Be direct and honest. Post recent pix and current information. Don’t play games, or play with people’s hearts. In other words, don’t be an a-hole. You’re all in this together, so treat each other with kindness and respect.
Slow down, and be patient. Stop being in such a hurry to discard people, and get back on your phone after a date. Love is not on speed dial.
Take a risk. Go against type. Get out of your comfort zone and give someone a chance. Your potential date might not be America’s Next Top Model, but who cares? Someone with depth, character, intelligence, and humor, is way hotter anyway (P.S. Hot chicks are nuts anyway, and super good looking guys are overrated).
The person who’s a little older, heavier, or not made of money, could be the man/woman of your dreams, not to mention the greatest sex you’ve ever had, so keep an open mind.
After you accomplish all this, do yourself AND romance a favor, and get off your phone.
Look around. Smile. Say hello. Strike up a conversation. Flirt. Flex your charm muscles. It’s not pervy, it’s proper. Do it now before you forget how.
Need instant gratification and immediate chemistry? Well here it is, right in front of your face, people!
If you say you want to save romance, if you say you want to make a real connection, or have a long-term relationship, do as the Angry Therapist says and:
“Act like it. Plan something. Set an intention. Put your best foot forward, because they are too, and it’s your job to set the tone. You don’t have to hand wash your car or put a playlist together. But Jesus, open a door. Engage. Ask questions. Be interested and interesting. Order dessert together. Pick up the check. Effort. Effort. Effort. Put some into it. You get back what you put in. Now if there’s no connection, that’s okay. That’s all just a part of dating. But don’t act like your time was wasted or that you were ripped off. Magic is hard to find. Your parents had to kiss a lot of frogs before they met so why shouldn’t you? The internet doesn’t hack that for you. And if you think it should, you’re entitled and don’t have the tools to build a relationship so stop dating until you grow the fuck up.”
To all the hopeless romantics out there, don’t ever change. The dating world needs you more than ever.
“Enough!” said a friend recently who had it with online dating. She was fed-up, burned out, and ready to breakup. It’s too much work, with little return, she complained. In protest, she was going to delete all her dating apps and join a nunnery.