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Stop Waiting For People To Love You

most precious person-painting

Painting by Connor Brothers

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the things we do for love. The knots we twist ourselves into, the hoops we jump through. In the pursuit of love (affection, acceptance, and approval too), we compromise our standards and abandon our identity. We work too hard, wait too long, and people-please the hell out of ourselves.

As a dating coach, I see this happen with my clients, and not so long ago, I used to see it in myself. In my 50-year span of singleness, disappointments were plenty, and self-worth was often in short supply. I wanted to be in a relationship. I wanted to be married. I wanted to be in love. That it was taking so long had me convinced I wasn’t enough, and it confirmed my fear that love was out of reach. But it didn’t stop me from trying. During those days, I thought if I worked hard enough and waited long enough, I’d eventually become someone’s most precious person.

I eventually got married and became someone’s most precious person, and not because I waited for him to love me. Love happened because we both honored our authenticity and were honest with each other. Neither one of us had to twist ourselves into knots or jump through hoops. We accepted and loved each other exactly as we were. The key to all this was learning to accept and love myself first.

When you wait for people to love you, you wait for them to recognize, appreciate, and validate you. You wait for them to affirm and determine your worth.  Sometimes we go to great lengths to win people over, but in doing so, we risk losing our power and authentic selves.

In my coaching practice, I see people struggle with feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, and self-doubt. Add in chronic rejection and you can see how their fears are confirmed. It’s a vicious cycle I wrote about in my blog post “Put Yourself On Your Own Damn Pedestal.” In it, I talk about the danger of trying to be something you’re not for the sake of being loved.

When you wait for someone to love you, you end up handing over your dignity to the person whose approval or acceptance you so desperately seek. And it’s not just in love. People contort themselves in the name of friendship too. We bend over backwards and cross our own boundaries to be liked, or to be in certain circles. It’s exhausting and ultimately very demoralizing.

Out of curiosity I did a Google search on “How To Make Someone Love You,” and much to my dismay, I found over 1,480,000,000 search results. Apparently, there’s a whole industry devoted to being loved, by any means necessary.

Here’s a few titles I came upon:

  • 6 Scientifically Proven Ways To Make Someone Fall For You
  • How To Use Psychology To Make Someone Fall (and stay) In Love With You
  • 19 Ways To Help You “Make” Someone Love You
  • 12 Ways To Make A Woman Fall Deeply In Love With You
  • 15 Tricky Psychological Ways To Make Someone Love You
  • 6 Sneaky Ways To Get Him To Say I Love You
  • 15 Science-Backed Tips To Make Someone Love You

Reading all this broke my heart because not one of them suggested the way to get someone to love you is to simply be yourself.

Waiting for people to love you is a complete waste of your precious energy and time, not to mention a complete slap in the face to your self-respect. Dating or wanting to be friends with people who don’t feel the same way is a constant reminder of what you can’t have, even worse, that you’re unlovable–which isn’t true.

If you keep trying to be something you’re not, if you keep trying to be what you think someone wants, you will become unrecognizable to yourself, which to me, is more painful than not being loved in the first place.

So don’t hold back your truth or stifle the real you. Don’t be so fearful or self-conscious that you forget who you are. The only thing you need is conviction about who you are, and what you have to offer. Practice honest self-reflection and embrace your lovely, charming, decent, kind, intelligent, authentic self. Above all, make sure you’re connected to your worth at all times. That alone will win people over.

At the same time, dump the people-pleaser and let the approval seeker go.

It shouldn’t take long for people to see your magnificence, but if it does, you’re with the wrong people. Move on, don’t wait around. As dating advice writer Shani Silver reminds us: “Anyone you have to convince to want you is a prime candidate for deletion.”

Don’t wait to be someone’s most precious person, start right now and be your own precious person first.

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Keeping Love Alive In The Time Of Coronavirus

If there was ever a time to rethink how we love and live, it’s now.

The coronavirus has changed life as we know it: how we live, function, do business, socialize, and date. But all is not bleak. Life will go on, and hopefully with more awareness and mindfulness. In the time of coronavirus, I think there’s a real opportunity to instill good habits and make positive changes.

SOCIAL DISTANCING: The greatest thing to happen to dating?

For someone who’s a huge fan of meeting IRL, coronavirus is really cramping my style. It’s completely thrown a wrench into my plans for people to meet the old-fashioned way. As a dating coach, I’m always telling clients to put down their phone and look up. Stop living behind your screens and engage; make eye contact, smile, talk to each other. Can’t do that now, we’re stuck inside. Social distancing was already a problem, and now people are retreating back into their devices again @#$*!

Social distancing is pissing me off, but at the same time, I know it’s teaching you single people mad skills on how to be alone with yourself (which makes me feel better).

Being alone is a big challenge for singles. It’s also a big reason why people hate being single. When you’re unable to be alone, it shows. It shows discomfort, desperation, fear, anxiousness, and lack of confidence. I’ve always said the happier and more secure/stable you are alone, you’re not only more attractive to potential partners, you’re better equipped to weather storms like the one we’re having right now.

Being stuck at home sucks, especially if you’re single. But while you’re sitting around, why not try to make friends with solitude?. Why not learn to stop needing noise and distractions, and fall in love with stillness and quiet? You may be alone for a while, so it’s excellent practice for when you’ll be back up and running again. Mastering these skills now will make you a better dater.

My secret weapon for weathering any storm where you find yourself alone, single, isolated, lonely or afraid (like after a breakup or during a pandemic), is mindful meditation and guided visualization. Nothing will make you stronger than sitting still for 10 minutes doing this:

  1. Have a seat on a couch or chair, with your back supported, hands folded in lap, eyes closed.
  2. Take a few deep breaths, from the belly up to the top of your lungs. Hold a few breaths at the top for five seconds, then fully and audibly exhale.
  3. With each exhale, drop your shoulders, and let the rest of your body release and relax.
  4. Do a body scan starting at your feet, moving up the body. Release any gripping or tension as you go. Make sure you also relax your mouth, jaw, and space between your eyebrows.
  5. Bring your awareness to your breathing, to the rise and fall of your chest. Observe it as you inhale and exhale. You’ll find your heart rate/anxiety slowing down at this point.
  6. Take your awareness outside your body for a moment, listening to the sounds around you, including the silence.
  7. Start your guided visualization.
  8. Think of all the things/people you’re grateful for. See them in your mind’s eye.
  9. Pick a few words/sentences that bring you strength, comfort, or inspiration. Like “I relax, release, let go,” or “I will be well no matter what,” or “I am strong and confident,” or “I can be alone no problemo,” or “Nothing can fuck with me.”
  10. See these words/sentences on a black screen in white type, and repeat them.
  11. Now visualize yourself doing something that brings you pride. See yourself finishing a tough task, meeting a challenge, or successfully being alone.
  12. Finally, take another few deep breaths and just be. Feel the peace and calm surround you. Open your eyes slowly, and go about your day.

I try to meditate everyday, especially when the shit is hitting the fan. The key is to make it a habit, and part of your emotional upkeep and maintenance. Meditating regularly will create changes in you to help you stay grounded–whether you’re single or coupled up.

Social distancing might not be optimal for dating, but it does force you to SLOW DOWN (another one of my faves along with mastering solitude).

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a hundred times: THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH TAKING YOUR TIME AND GOING SLOW. And there’s nothing like a virus floating around to make sure you do. You can’t hurry love, especially now, but you don’t have to completely isolate either. You can still connect and interact virtually, on your phone or computer.

Hello teledating!

FaceTime, Skype, or Zoom, and start meeting and greeting. Usually, I advise online daters to meet as soon as possible, because I hate endless texting and messaging. But now that we’re all sequestered, this is a great solution. You can see, hear, and get to know each other. It could be romantic, even intimate, since it’s not in a Starbucks. Pour yourself a glass of wine, put on some makeup, and treat it like a real date.

Things will get back to normal, love will survive, but to stay safe, fellow dating coach Sandy Weiner suggests taking the slow dating approach one step further in her article “Could Coronavirus Be The Best Thing To Happen To Dating?”:

“What if when we finally met, we didn’t touch—like no handshaking, kissing, or hugging? What if by keeping our hands, faces, and bodies apart for a month or two, it helped us get closer emotionally?

I believe it would be good to date during this viral epidemic. Go on more substantial dates. Less touching/more talking might help us deepen our emotional connection without the complications of adding sex to the relationship. Because we all know what happens to our common sense and ability to spot red flags once sex is in the picture.”

The coronavirus needn’t be a deal-breaker for daters. By all means, keep swiping, keep scrolling, keep putting yourself out there online, just make sure you wash your hands after, and use plenty of sanitizer too.

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Get more information on my favorite method of meditation here “Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR).

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We Need To Have A Talk About Having “The Talk”

Picture this scenario:

You’ve been in a relationship for a few months, and things are going well. There’s intimacy and possible signs of real commitment. There’s potential here, but you’re purposely keeping it light and letting things unfold. You see a future with this BF/GF, so you’re making sure not to pressure or get ahead of yourself. 

But as a few months slides into a year, you start wondering why the relationship isn’t progressing. You’re going along and getting along, but you’re not moving along. It seems comfortable enough, but you’re uncomfortable. You’re trying to be easy going, but you’re uneasy. The sex is still good, so why worry? But still, you wonder:

Why haven’t I met his kids or family yet?

Why aren’t we talking about the future? 

Why isn’t he asking me to move in?

Why is she going on trips and not inviting me?

Why don’t I ever get texts, cards, or little gifts saying he’s thinking about me? 

Why doesn’t she include me with friends?

Why is he always too busy?

Why haven’t we said “I love you” to each other?

You feel something’s up. You want answers, but don’t dare ask, lest you rock the boat or appear needy. You’re probably being paranoid anyway. Maybe there’s a good reason for their distance. Maybe they’re taking their time, or they’re cautious, or maybe they really are busy at work.

You keep your mouth shut until you can’t take it any longer. The unknown is killing you, so you finally say “We need to talk.” 

So you make a date to sit down either at your place or somewhere neutral like a restaurant, and have “The Talk.” You ask “Where is this going? Do you want to be in a relationship? What are you looking for? Are we exclusive?” All the questions you’ve been dying to ask because you need to know your future. And who can blame you? No one wants to get hurt, be rejected, give their heart away, or invest time and energy into something that’s going nowhere. 

But here’s the thing with “The Talk:” what you gain in answers, you lose in self-determination. Twice in my life I had “The Talk,” and both times made me feel pitiful. I knew my boyfriends probably didn’t want to move forward, but I didn’t have the guts to pull the plug, nor did they have the balls to end it, so I swallowed my pride and took my lumps as they handed me my fate. When you have “The Talk,” you not only give all your power and agency away, you put your future into someone else’s hands to determine.   

If you have to have “The Talk,” you already know the answers. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for having “The Talk,” but instead of waiting to be handed your fate, be proactive and tell them where YOU stand. State YOUR needs first. Tell your BF/GF what YOU want. Tell them where YOU want to go, and if they’re not on-board, then end it on YOUR terms, with dignity and grace.  

Here’s “The Talk” I want you to initiate:

YOU: “We’ve been dating a while, and I’m sensing some reticence on your part. I’m not sure if you share my goals for this relationship, but if we’re not on the same page, then let’s not keep spinning each other’s wheels. I’d like to move on if that’s the case.” 

If you approach “The Talk” from a place of resolve and strength, power instead of passivity, it will arm you for what comes next.

Be prepared for answers you may not want to hear. Be prepared to breakup. Be prepared to cry. Be prepared to walk away. Be prepared for shit to get real. Your BF/GF might not fight for you, or they may profess their true love. The good news is, whatever “The Talk” reveals, you will be well prepared to take your future into your own hands.  

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You’re Not Truly Compatible Unless You Have This

Before I got married for the first time at 51, I thought I knew what true compatibility was: connecting on a mind, body, and soul level. If we connected on enough levels, we were compatible. Compatibility meant we had potential, possibility, maybe even a real shot at love.

Everyone has their own definition of compatibility, it’s a very personal thing. But what I learned after being single for so many years (and suffering through so many boyfriends and breakups) is that there’s more to compatibility than meets the eye.

Here’s what I’ve experienced:

Compatibility starts with great chemistry.

You get along, have fun, laugh, feel comfortable, and have great energy and attraction for each other. The conversation is lively and the communication flows. Your personalities mesh, you get each other, you’re in alignment, and vibrate at the same frequency. I knew I was compatible with someone when nothing got lost in translation when we talked.

Having common interests make you compatible.

You enjoy the same things: i.e. going to concerts, binge-watching shows, working out, or volunteering at the animal shelter. Or maybe you like doing nothing at all because you just dig each other’s company. I’m a big sports fan—playing, watching AND betting–so dating someone who shared my passion was a plus. Having similar dislikes also makes you compatible—like sharing a mutual disgust for pineapple on pizza.

Sexual compatibility counts for a lot.

Generally, you have the same sexual tastes, desires, enthusiasm, and sense of adventure or experimentation. You know how to read and please your partner. You’re both respectful and unselfish. Doesn’t matter if you love sex or hate it, if you’re prude or a perv, you’re always in synch. When you’re sexually compatible, everyone’s needs get met.

SIDE NOTE: I once had a boyfriend who hated oral. We eventually broke up, not because he wouldn’t go down on me (which was a problem) but because we didn’t see eye-to-eye about the future. He wanted one, I didn’t.

There’s compatibility if you go at the same pace. 

Both parties are in rhythm, going at the same speed, and have compatible attachment styles. No one is pushing or pulling, prodding or pressuring. Nothing feels forced, rushed, or fearful. You’re just two people enjoying the ride—neither going too slow or too fast, or holding on too tight.

Sharing the same values/political beliefs makes you compatible.

Opposites do attract (Hello KellyAnne and George Conway!) but being on the same side of the aisle can help. Like sharing the same beliefs on policy, religion, healthcare, women’s rights, etc. When you’re sympatico on the issues, you know someone’s core, and you’re united in your views. Especially in this day and age, dating someone who’s politically like-minded seems more important than ever.

P.S. KellyAnne must be a dynamo in the sack, because I personally don’t know how they stay married. Same goes for Mary Matlin and James Carville.

As I said, I thought I knew what true compatibility was, but now that I’m married, I know why past boyfriends lead to breakups. It wasn’t lack chemistry, or great sex, or politics, or pace, or mutual love of sports betting. I had all of that.

We ultimately weren’t compatible because we didn’t have the SAME GOALS OR VISION OF THE FUTURE when it came to commitment.

It doesn’t matter if you’re fuck buddies, or want to live happily ever after as husband and wife, you’ve got to be on the same page. You’ve got to want the same thing for the thing to work. That’s what will give you and your partner staying power, regardless of your arrangement.

You can have all the fun in the world, but if you’re not going in the same direction, you ain’t going anywhere.

Plus, when you share the same goals, or vision of the future, you’re not just compatible, you can overcome pretty much anything—except maybe bad oral sex. Or in my case, none at all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I’ve Co-Hosted A Podcast About Love For A Year, Here’s What I’ve Learned

It began five years ago when I got married for the first time at 51. My husband, also a marriage first-timer, was 57.

I thought it was an interesting story. Here we are, two people in our 50s, with no exes, no kids, no baggage (emotional, maybe) manage to find each other after a lifetime of looking.

To tell the story, I created the blog The Late Blooming Bride, which documented my journey from single life to first-time midlife wife. It included dating tales, my relationship fails, bad choices, breakups, dating advice, and menopause. I shared my pain, triumphs, night sweats, and never skimped on honesty.

A year ago, the VoiceAmerica Talk Radio Network contacted me to see if I’d want to turn the blog into a podcast. I agreed, but only if my husband Robby could join me. “Dating advice podcaster” seemed to fit with the other hats I wear as life coach, dating coach, and fitness professional, so we said yes and they said yes.

So began “Done Being Single,” a podcast that covers all aspects of dating, being single, and finding love later in life. I like to joke that between Robby and me, we have a combined 107 years of single life under our belt. We were pros at being single, and we know our shit.

After being in the dating trenches for so long, Robby and I come to the podcasting world with tons of knowledge and wisdom about love, but we’ve had help along the way in the form of top notch therapists, relationship experts, personal development influencers, and thought leaders of all kinds, who’ve come on the show to share their wisdom. All of our guests have given us incredible insight, for which we are grateful.

In the year we’ve been on the air, we’ve amassed over 80K active listeners, and recorded close to 50 episodes, ranging from sex tips to self-improvement, prenups to personal growth, manscaping to money, dating intervention to dating single parents.

The following is a snapshot of what I’ve learned from some of our guests (included are links to their full interviews):

Gay & Katie Hendricks, personal growth pioneers, authors

“Everything You Want Is On The Other Side Of Fear”

http://bit.ly/2P8iLAJ

Love is a fear-based emotion. People have a fundamental fear of getting close, a fear of criticism, and a fear of not being enough; they despair and feel helpless. Gay & Katie describe limiting beliefs about love as “Upper Limit Problems,” self-sabotage when things start to go well. When you feel unlovable, think of someone you love–a friend or a mate–and love yourself just like that.

Arielle Ford, relationship expert, author, personal development teacher

“The Magic Is In You”

http://bit.ly/2uXcr5K

Arielle, one of the original practitioners of the “Law of Attraction,” believes our ability to love matches our state of being. We draw people, places, and experiences that align with our vibration. If you think you’re a loser or unlucky, that will be your experience, and you’ll manifest those unconscious beliefs and thoughts. You need clarity about what you desire, believe that it’s already yours, then take action steps to manifest it.

Lori Gottlieb, psychotherpist and best-selling author

“Is Good Enough, Good Enough?’

http://bit.ly/2UM5dQo

Our episode with Lori was about settling, not lowering your standards, but having higher standards about the things that matter to you. People need to change the way they think about settling. If you settle for less, you’ll not only compromise to be with another human being (because humans are imperfect) someone’s going to compromise to be with you. There is no perfect person, but there is someone perfect for you.

Guy Finley, self-help writer, spiritual teacher

“Admit It, You Suck At Relationships”

http://bit.ly/2Gcuw61

Guy believes love is about fulfilling expectations, and seeing our partners as a special kind of mirror. The things we see in them that disappoint us–their faults or limitations–are actually things we see in ourselves that we blame on them. No one can disappoint you without your permission. No relationship can grow when blame is the game two people play. We get too attached and dependent on our partners for our happiness.

Dr. Karin Anderson Abrell, psychologist, author, podcaster, fellow late blooming bride

“The Best/Worst Dating Advice You’re Ever Going To Hear”

http://bit.ly/2Uch5qw

Love can’t fix people, nor can you heal people with your love. It’s not your job, and it’s not sustainable. If someone is a project, they’re not your partner, and they will never be emotionally at your level. If you’re thriving in terms of your own growth and development, that’s the kind of person you will attract. “Water seeks its own level,” as she says. Fixing someone never works, because once you fix the fixer upper, the dynamics aren’t going to work anymore.

Ken Page LCSW, psychotherapist and author

“Forget New Years Resolutions, Make Valentine’s Resolutions”

http://bit.ly/2IosFMV

People are victimized by dating advice that says you’re not sexy enough, feminine enough, confident enough, etc, Fixing those things in order to find love is just a path to hell, as Ken says. It looks like self-help, but it’s really self-hate. If you really want to find love, you’ve got to work less on your attractiveness, and more on your attractions. Ask yourself: With whom does my heart feel safe? With whom does my heart feel right? When that becomes your question or filter, your search for love will change.

Lou Paget, sex educator

“Everything You’ve Always Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask”

http://bit.ly/2IkghyA

The best partners aren’t the best looking, or have the best so-called body parts, the best partners are secure with themselves. Everyone wants to be loved, they want to love, they want to be heard, they want to be understood, and they want to know they’re making a contribution. Be honest with yourself, and about what you want. Honesty is your most seductive behavior, nothing has more magnetic appeal than for someone to see you as you are.

Allana Pratt, intimacy expert

“Too Picky, Or Not Picky Enough?”

http://bit.ly/2VxYJBP

Allana says love can’t happen if we’re not in communion with ourselves. We need to be present, secure, and have a connection with self. We wear masks, create limiting beliefs, put up obstacles, and make excuses not to get vulnerable. When we seek love and approval, we give our power away, and hold people responsible for our happiness. We need to let go of judgment of self, and feel the divine on the inside.

Of all the lessons I learned about love though, here’s the biggest:

How you love and who you love, all comes down to SELF-WORTH.

No shocker there, but after interviewing the best in the business, and hearing the stories, complaints, and experiences of our listeners, I can confirm that love is all about how you value yourself, and what you feel you deserve.

No matter what we talk about on the show, no matter who the guest is, no matter where the conversation goes, it always circles back to self-worth.

Another thing I’ve learned about self-worth? You can never have enough of it. So go love and have love, just start with yourself first.

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Tune into Done Being Single www.donebeingsingle.com.

To learn about Treva’s coaching services, visit www.trevabrandonscharf.com.

 

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Romance Is Dying, Here’s How To Save It

Sorry, technology, I love you, but you’re ruining romance. You’re killing it. Sucking the life out of it. You’re the death knell of courtship—a soon-to-be lost art if someone doesn’t do something about it.

On one hand, technology has been a shot in the arm to dating, helping people find love when they previously couldn’t or wouldn’t. Some people wouldn’t even have a love life if not for online dating and dating apps.

Online dating helped me when I was single, but that was in the early days, before people forgot how to be romantic.

How is technology killing romance? Let me count the ways:

No one has patience anymore

No one’s willing to look closer or go deeper, because it takes too damn long. It’s all about instant gratification, the next swipe, the bigger, better deal. If the chemistry isn’t immediate, forget it. There’s little desire to court someone, and let a romance build slowly. “A digital system based on instant gratification has dissolved the virtue of patience—a critical element of seduction and successful courtship,” says matchmaker Alyssa Bunn

No one is willing to invest either, because A) It takes too much time, and B) There’s too much choice out there. Does anyone really get to know anyone anymore? Not when there’s the problem of “choice overload,” “option paralysis,” or “FOBO,” fear of a better option.

There’s zero interest in going past someone’s looks

Digital dating has made people shallow. Trying to fix up my friends has become a frustrating exercise, since most can’t or won’t go past one’s looks. “Send me a picture first,” they say. What happened before technology, before profile pictures and social media, when people got fixed up based on personal recommendation? What happened to the element of surprise?

It’s dead, I tell you. No one wants to take a chance. If they’re not a 10, sorry I’ll pass. I call these people “Lookists,” because they discriminate based on looks.

Writer American Jebus, offers a most depressing view of it:

“Dating apps have become an endless buffet of dick-pic-obsessed Lotharios and airbrushed Aphrodites hand delivered to your phone, leading to a gluttony of saccharine fulfillment, romantic empty calories that pack on dead weight to your ego’s waistline. It’s an inflated sense of self-worth that could lead singles to feel entitled to a dating life that they don’t have to work for, especially when they can acquire and discard people like baseball cards.”

If technology is making people shallow, it’s also making them insecure and self-conscious. How can you not be when you see all you see are filtered, flawless people online? I don’t care if it’s Instagram, Tinder, or Porn Hub, it’s enough to make even the most confident of daters feel like shit.

Business psychology professor T.Chamorrow-Premuzi believes that Tinder is capable of damaging one’s self-esteem and confidence, while aggravating or even causing anxiety and depression. The problem with Tinder-like dating apps, according to him, is that they can be more arousing than the actual hookup.

No one talks on the phone anymore

And that’s a shame, because there’s nothing sexier or more intimate than hearing a real human voice on the other end of a phone.

Today’s default courting protocol is texting—a cowardly way to communicate, and a dangerous one, too. Things get lost in translation, verbal cues/clues get missed, and feelings get misconstrued. What you may gain in the efficiency of texting, you definitely lose in intimacy and true emotional connection.

Sorry, but emojis aren’t a replacement for emotional connection either.

People are lazy and fearful

They’re forgetting how to meet IRL. They’re forgetting how to flirt and make eye contact. They’re afraid of rejection, being vulnerable, and now, in the age of #MeToo, they’re scared to make a move, approach someone, or even strike up a conversation. People just don’t want to do the work, and yes, dating is work. Romance is work, but that’s what makes it romantic! It’s the effort, stupid!

Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I fear we’re losing the human element in dating, and millennial writer Erica Berger agrees:

“Off of the apps, it’s not the same numbers game anymore. If anything, it’s gotten harder. People are more dependent on their dating apps, and qualitatively speaking, I’m noticing less people approach each other in the real world. Why take a risk on the ‘you never know’ when you can simply retreat to your phone later? Why accidentally talk to someone who isn’t available or isn’t interested, only to be rejected, when you have a location-based dating service persistently available in your pocket? There is a chance that if they are available, you’ll be able to find them on one of the services later, right?”

Romance, dating, courting are like muscles that need to be flexed. Use it or lose it, otherwise they’ll atrophy and wither away altogether. Romance, with all the hope, wonder, excitement, mystery, and heartbreak that comes with it, must be kept alive at all costs!

So how do we save romance from the death spiral of technology?

Put the humanity back in it for starters.

If you’re on dating apps, be nice. Be courteous and considerate. Don’t breadcrumb, ghost, bench, or any other egregious thing. Be direct and honest. Post recent pix and current information. Don’t play games, or play with people’s hearts. In other words, don’t be an a-hole. You’re all in this together, so treat each other with kindness and respect.

Slow down, and be patient. Stop being in such a hurry to discard people, and get back on your phone after a date. Love is not on speed dial.

Take a risk. Go against type. Get out of your comfort zone and give someone a chance. Your potential date might not be America’s Next Top Model, but who cares? Someone with depth, character, intelligence, and humor, is way hotter anyway (P.S. Hot chicks are nuts anyway, and super good looking guys are overrated).

The person who’s a little older, heavier, or not made of money, could be the man/woman of your dreams, not to mention the greatest sex you’ve ever had, so keep an open mind.

After you accomplish all this, do yourself AND romance a favor, and get off your phone.

Look around. Smile. Say hello. Strike up a conversation. Flirt. Flex your charm muscles. It’s not pervy, it’s proper. Do it now before you forget how.

Need instant gratification and immediate chemistry? Well here it is, right in front of your face, people!

If you say you want to save romance, if you say you want to make a real connection, or have a long-term relationship, do as the Angry Therapist says and:

“Act like it. Plan something. Set an intention. Put your best foot forward, because they are too, and it’s your job to set the tone. You don’t have to hand wash your car or put a playlist together. But Jesus, open a door. Engage. Ask questions. Be interested and interesting. Order dessert together. Pick up the check. Effort. Effort. Effort. Put some into it. You get back what you put in. Now if there’s no connection, that’s okay. That’s all just a part of dating. But don’t act like your time was wasted or that you were ripped off. Magic is hard to find. Your parents had to kiss a lot of frogs before they met so why shouldn’t you? The internet doesn’t hack that for you. And if you think it should, you’re entitled and don’t have the tools to build a relationship so stop dating until you grow the fuck up.”

To all the hopeless romantics out there, don’t ever change. The dating world needs you more than ever.

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Admit It, You Suck At Relationships

It’s OK, you can admit it. You suck at relationships.

You’re great getting into them, pretty decent getting out of them, but you suck at staying in them.

You’re not alone. I used to suck at relationships, too.

Most times, it was me. Sometimes it was them. I’d get restless, lose interest, or subconsciously pick the wrong person, because truth was, I probably wasn’t ready to commit in the first place. But sometimes, it wasn’t me, but the guy who couldn’t go the distance. It was always a round hole, square peg situation, trying to force something that wasn’t a fit.

By the time I turned 50, I had dozens upon dozens of relationships: good and bad, short-term and long, enjoyable and excruciating, painful and passionate, happy and heartbreaking. None lasted, but they all had one thing in common:

They were PRODUCTIVE.

Yes, productive. Because I always got something out of them—especially the failed ones.

All that pain, challenge, and heartbreak, were like sharp little stepping-stones on my journey; they hurt a long the way, but eventually I became grateful for what they taught me, and showed me about myself.

Just because your relationship ends, doesn’t make it (or you) a failure. It makes it an opportunity for you to learn something about yourself. In fact, the relationship that blew up, left you in tatters, or crushed your soul, can be the most productive of all.

Some would go as far to say that your failed relationship was actually a success!

Let’s hope you never breakup, let’s hope your relationship never ends, but if it does, asking yourself the following questions might put your relationship failure into a better light:

• “What’s the teachable moment here for me?

Self-examination is the greatest gift a failed relationship can give you. Owning your part, reflecting on what went wrong, and taking responsibility for your actions and emotions with acceptance, grace, and forgiveness, isn’t just empowering, it’s an auspicious move for your future relationships.

• Did it show me my potential for love?

Even if your relationship lasted a short time, even if it was a fleeting love affair, it showed you your capacity to love and be loved. You proved your ability to feel, to open your heart, and give of yourself. “Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all,” is true. Be glad you can love in the first place. If you did it once, you can do it again.

• What positives came out of it?

Was your life somehow enriched because of the relationship? Did you meet new people, make new friends? Did you go to interesting places or travel? Were you able to get out of your comfort zone and discover? If the relationship broadened your horizons, showed you more about life and the world, then be grateful for that.

• Are you stronger because of it?

Did the relationship show you what you were made of? Did it prove your resiliency, resolve, and affirm your self-respect? Did it honor your highest good? Did you refuse to settle or compromise yourself? If you had the courage to do all of above, good for you.

No relationship was a waste for me. Even the worst ones were productive because they brought me closer to what I wanted, and who I am today. I got a little something out of each of them, and for that, I’m thankful.

SHOUT OUT TO ALL MY EX BOYFRIENDS: Even though it didn’t work out for us, I want you to know I have nothing but love and appreciation. You got me to Robby, and for that, I’m beyond grateful.

If you want to grow, improve, and evolve, make failure your friend. Make it your guru and guide. Listen to it carefully and heed its lessons, because even if you have a terrible relationship track record, there’s always room to learn more and suck less.

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Surviving Breakup Hell

Your world is shattered, your guts are wrenched, your soul is crushed, your ego blown, and your heart is broken into a million pieces.

Welcome to Breakup Hell, the absolute worst place on earth.

Before I got married for the first time at 50, I must’ve visited Breakup Hell a thousand times, and every time I was there, I thought it would be forever. I feared I’d never get out; that I’d never see sunshine or feel happy again. The pain of feeling unloved/unlovable was so heavy, and the anxiety so gripping, my whole body would shut down.

I wouldn’t be able to eat, I couldn’t sleep, my hair would fall out, and I’d be running to the toilet every five seconds. It was pure hell.

There’s a reason why break-ups hurt like hell: because the brain hates rejection (especially mine). Show me a brain that doesn’t!

There’s science to back this up. In the study “Reward, Addiction, and Emotion Regulation Systems Associated with Rejection,” conducted by Dr. Helen Fisher, Chief Scientific Officer at Chemistry.com, researchers found that areas of the brain associated with nicotine, cocaine addiction, and physical pain—as well as romantic love—were all activated after a breakup.

Which means that “When you’re going through a breakup, you’re feeling romantic love, you’re feeling physical pain, and you’re in a state of constant craving,” according to Dr. Fisher.

This is why breaking up is hard to do–you love and hate your ex at the same time. You despise AND romanticize. It’s a total mind fuck.

Rejection sucks, loss is painful, abandonment is traumatic, and unfortunately it all comes with the territory. You will also feel like a big, fat failure, and take everything personally, because that’s what you do when you’re in Breakup Hell. You don’t just lose a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner, you lose your damn dignity too.

I told you it was the absolute worst place on earth!

If you’ve just broken up, get ready for some intense anger, serious soul searching, and non-stop obsessing and replaying in your head. Everything feels like a nightmarish OCD loop. “What did I do wrong? What could I have done better?” P.S. If you didn’t know, your head is a bad place to be.

The thing I’ve learned with Breakup Hell, is that you can’t escape it, you just have to work through it—sometimes with large amounts of wine and pot, like I did.

In addition to Sativa and Sauvingnon Blanc, I would also consume large amounts of talk therapy, junk food, bad cable movies, massages, and hanging with good friends who didn’t judge.

After a little pampering, I’d get ruthless with my own tough love. Here are a few things I highly suggest for immediate emotional triage:

  • Remove ex from contacts, delete all emails, and unfollow (not unfriend) on social media.
  • Destroy all physical reminders of ex (photos, gifts, etc.)
  • Stay away from exe’s mutual friends so as not to be reminded of him/her.
  • Choose new places to eat and visit, so you won’t run into ex.
  • Stay incredibly busy, make plans from morning to night, exhaust yourself with fun.

Start with these, and something will happen. You’ll start to heal. You won’t just feel better, you’ll start feeling better about yourself again. In other words, you’ll regain your dignity again.

It takes strength not to text your ex in moments of weakness; it takes discipline not to replay or romanticize; it takes power to take the high road; it takes effort to find happiness elsewhere; it takes courage to go it alone; it takes forgiveness to heal; and it takes self-worth to love yourself more than your ex.

If you can do this, you can do anything.

Here’s how another writer Taylor Garland dealt with her Breakup Hell:

“My grief was the impetus for powerful introspection and self-discovery. In the past, I turned towards alcohol and wild nights out to avoid the pain, but I knew this time must be different. I took the opportunity to let the heartache wash over me. I found myself pondering, nearly always, what it meant to be a good person, to offer value to others. I examined, in great detail, my shortcomings. I learned to meditate. I opted out of boozy nights with pals. I connected with my friends and family on profound levels, enabling me to offer deep empathy and connection that had been missing for years. I found forgiveness for people I’d been holding grudges towards. I found release.”

After a thousand trips to Breakup Hell, I’m here to tell you, you will be fine. You will be more than fine. You’ll survive, see sunshine, and love again. Slowly but surely, you will catch yourself smiling, hear yourself laughing, and realize you haven’t thought of your ex all day.

And that my friends, is pure heaven.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

To get my full list of breakup tips, plus other dating wisdom, please visit trevabrandonscharf.com.

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5 Ways To Know If Mr. Right Has The Right Stuff

IMG_4286Many years ago, my good friend Kathie Gordon gave me this needlepoint pillow for my birthday. It was in the 90’s, and I was in my late-30s. For the single girl who had everything, it was a perfect gift.

At the time I thought finding Mr. Right was right around the corner, and to be honest, I wasn’t exactly in a hurry to meet him, but I knew he had to be somewhere in the neighborhood. But as time went by and the 90’s turned into the 00’s, and I turned into an old maid, I realized that Mr. Right wasn’t right around the corner, but in fact, he was a million miles away.

That pillow has sat on my couch through countless dates, hundreds of fix-ups, tons more blind dates, boyfriends, break-ups and bullshit, and it always asked the same question:

“Star light, star bright, where oh where is Mr. Right?”

Actually, I’ve found Mr. Right many times – in bits and pieces, that is.

One Mr. Almost Right was professionally successful, but emotionally unavailable; one was age-appropriate, but had arrested development; one was great looking, but couldn’t keep his dick in his pants; one was a Harvard grad, but was a total idiot; one was a superior athlete, but had no moves whatsoever. It was very frustrating.

I would kick and scream, stomp my feet, and yell at the top of my lungs to the universe: “Fuck you Universe! Where the hell is Mr. Right!?”

While I was busy yelling at no one in particular, something happened: I wised-up and started dating smarter. I also became hardened and jaded, which comes in handy out there in the dating world.

Here’s what I’ve learned: Mr. Right comes in many different packages. He’s not perfect, and he doesn’t have to be. All he has to do is THE RIGHT THING.

The following is my MR. RIGHT CHECKLIST, five simple observations that will ascertain early on whether your new dude has what it takes to be your Mr. Right.

  1. He communicates early and often. He isn’t afraid to express his feelings, his thoughts, his values, and his plans. He’s open, honest, and authentic about who his is and what he wants in life.
  2. He doesn’t try to get to know you through texting. A real man who’s interested in you picks up the phone and TALKS not TEXTS. A guy who carries on an all-day conversation thread is simply hiding behind his texts. Too much gets lost in translation, and too much can be misinterpreted, so don’t tolerate it.
  3. He would move heaven and earth to see you, even if it’s for a quick coffee at Starbucks. Having real face time with someone is crucial, and if he means business, he’ll do whatever it takes to see you. Effort is everything.
  4. He pursues and courts you like a proper gentleman. He makes plans, asks questions, doesn’t wait till the last minute, doesn’t push or pressure you. And if he starts sexting too soon, you’ll know all he wants is to get inside your pants, not inside your mind.
  5. He does the right thing. Whether it’s bringing you flowers for no reason, being nice to your mother, or coming to your door to pick you up instead of calling you from the car, a guy who digs you will always do the right thing.

* * * * * * * * * * *

So when you’re out there dating, keep your eyes open. Observe, maintain your standards, and always honor your highest good. Watch for red flags. Being a little cynical and skeptical isn’t necessarily a bad thing – in fact, it can weed out the riff-raff real fast.

Demand a certain level of decorum, transparency, etiquette, and protocol at all times. It may sound old-fashioned, but trust me, you’ll respect yourself much more in the morning.

Above all, don’t be in too much of a hurry. Love has a way of finding you when the time is right, and so will Mr. Right.

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Same Footsteps, Different Paths

IMG_0003She was in her early 20s, just off the boat from Scotland; he was in his early 30s, newly transplanted from Brooklyn when they met and married in the 50’s.

Robby and I will be well into our 50s when we walk down the aisle for the first time.

They had a half a handful of relationships before tying the knot; Robby and I will have dated half the world before getting hitched.

They were young and inexperienced: she was an entry-level secretary at CBS; he was right out of the mailroom at William Morris; Robby and I are old pros with years of life experience under our belt.

They were just starting out, finding their way, not fully knowing themselves, or the ways of the world; Robby and I have been around the block, graduated from the school of hard knocks, and have the battle scars to show for it.

When they got married, they were building a life, planning for a family, and preparing for the future; Robby and I are already established and are looking forward to building on what we already have.

When my parents had sex, they made a baby; in about five minutes Robby and I will be sexy senior citizens.

When they moved in together, they had nothing, not even a pot to piss in; Robby and I already have our own sets of dishes, a blender, a hand mixer, a vacuum, AND a pot to piss in. We don’t really need anything, but we registered anyway because who couldn’t use a new pot?

They had goals and hopes and dreams for the future; so do we, but we’re also happy to be in the present.

They were early adopters; we’re late bloomers.

The comparisons and differences are many, but there’s one thing we all proudly did together:

WE MARRIED FOR LOVE.

Not for money, not for power, not for status, not for a green card, or because of obligation or pressure. Not for any other reason, just love.

IMG_0002Like Frank Sinatra, we did it our way – on our terms, at our own pace, in our own time. And like Paul and Sonjia Brandon, we’re doing it with integrity.

Here’s how my mother describes starting out with my father:

SONJIA:

“He was handsome, he was nice, he was a good person, and he appreciated my humor. We didn’t have much money, but we had love, and we got by. We had a small wedding at a little shul on Beverly Blvd., and had to borrow a car to go on our honeymoon since his car was in the shop. In those days, you didn’t wait to get married. It was the thing to do, and I’m glad we did because, well, we had you.”

Unfortunately, their marriage didn’t last, but knowing their story and hearing how they met has always been a source of inspiration for me. Robby’s and my path to the altar may look very different from my parents’ path, but in many ways, we’re following exactly in their footsteps.

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