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Let The One That Got Away Get Away

We’ve all had that one that got away.

It’s the boyfriend you dumped, the girlfriend that didn’t last, the relationship that didn’t work out, the marriage that didn’t make it. The one that got away may either be long gone, or still hanging around– if just in your mind. They have you reliving old memories, looking back with nostalgia, romanticizing about what life would’ve been like, and haunting you with “what ifs.”

They could even have you kicking yourself for letting them go.

The one that got away was great while it lasted. They were sweet, good hearted, maybe even marriage material. You had high hopes, and as much as you wanted it to work, you just weren’t feeling it, so the relationship had to end.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” That’s what we say to the ones that get away.

The truth is, the one that got away didn’t really get away, you let them go. And for good reason:

  • You didn’t see a future with them.
  • You had different goals.
  • You weren’t ready to commit.
  • The relationship ran its course.
  • You outgrew them.
  • You fell out of love.
  • Your attachment style didn’t mesh with theirs.

Being truthful about your relationships requires radical self-reflection. First, it requires getting real with yourself, being honest, owning your faults, and trusting your intuition and instincts, then it requires having the courage to do the right thing. Letting someone go hurts, but the pain of staying when you know your heart isn’t into it, is worse. The one that got away deserves more, so do you. Give yourself both a chance to find something and someone better.

Sometimes we let the good ones go for reasons that aren’t so good:

  • You self-sabotage in relationships.
  • You’re not used to healthy love or stable partners.
  • You’re bored without chaos and drama.
  • You don’t feel worthy of a great guy/girl.
  • You blow up perfectly good relationships.
  • You thought you could do better.
  • You’re a fault finder.
  • You operate from a place of fear.

If you’re letting the good ones get away, maybe it’s time to do a little radical self-reflection. Do a deep dive and take a harder look. What is happening or has happened in my life that’s making me let the good ones get away? Am I repeating patterns? Do I have an emotional wound that still needs healing?

If it’s not them and it’s you, maybe it’s time to find out why.

Looking back on my single days, you could say I had one or two that got away. Correction: they didn’t get away, I let them go.

They were perfectly wonderful people—kind, respectful, loving–but they weren’t for me. Do I regret letting them go? Not at all. Somewhere in my gut I knew it was the right thing to do. As expedient as it would’ve been to get married younger and earlier, I couldn’t do something I wasn’t ready to do.

But still, it made me think: If it wasn’t them, was it me?

To understand why perfectly wonderful people didn’t work out, I did a radical self-reflection. I did a deep dive and took a hard look at my dating patterns and decided that I had let people go for both good and bad reasons.

Maybe it was my intuition or instincts (or even divine intervention at work), but as it turned out, it was a good thing that the ones that got away, got away. They cleared the way for right person to eventually come in.

There are times when you find your way back to the one that got away:

  • You’re lonely, bored, horny, or afraid of being alone.
  • You hate being single.
  • You realize you made a terrible mistake.
  • You miss them.
  • You can’t live without them.
  • You couldn’t find anyone better.
  • You saw them on social media with someone else and it’s killing you.

The question to ask yourself is: Do I really want to be with this person, or am I just trying to fill a void? Do I want them back for good or bad reasons?

If you truly feel like you’ve made a terrible mistake, then circle back and explain. Apologize and make amends. Talk about what happened, what went wrong, and take responsibility for your part and actions. Maybe there’s grace and forgiveness, maybe there’s a second chance, or maybe there’s closure, which you both could probably use.

Remember why you let them go in the first place and don’t stop remembering. Chances are, you dodged a bullet. Remembering that alone will keep you grounded in the present, and secure with your decision.

As much as you may want a relationship, you must be willing to walk away from the ones that don’t work and be firm. Don’t second guess, and for god’s sake, don’t live with regret. Be kind and forgiving to yourself. You can dream, muse, fantasize all day long about what could’ve been, but leave it at that. Don’t keep yourself chained to the past. You moved on for a reason, so respect that!

Let the one that got away, get away–and don’t look back. Because when you release that person, you will also release yourself for something better.

Need more dating direction and guidance like this? I’m an ICF-certified life/dating/relationship coach with years of know-how and I’m here to help. Check out my private coaching services to get empowered now.

For faster hits of wisdom, following me @trevabme.

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Stop Waiting For People To Love You

most precious person-painting

Painting by Connor Brothers

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the things we do for love. The knots we twist ourselves into, the hoops we jump through. In the pursuit of love (affection, acceptance, and approval too), we compromise our standards and abandon our identity. We work too hard, wait too long, and people-please the hell out of ourselves.

As a dating coach, I see this happen with my clients, and not so long ago, I used to see it in myself. In my 50-year span of singleness, disappointments were plenty, and self-worth was often in short supply. I wanted to be in a relationship. I wanted to be married. I wanted to be in love. That it was taking so long had me convinced I wasn’t enough, and it confirmed my fear that love was out of reach. But it didn’t stop me from trying. During those days, I thought if I worked hard enough and waited long enough, I’d eventually become someone’s most precious person.

I eventually got married and became someone’s most precious person, and not because I waited for him to love me. Love happened because we both honored our authenticity and were honest with each other. Neither one of us had to twist ourselves into knots or jump through hoops. We accepted and loved each other exactly as we were. The key to all this was learning to accept and love myself first.

When you wait for people to love you, you wait for them to recognize, appreciate, and validate you. You wait for them to affirm and determine your worth.  Sometimes we go to great lengths to win people over, but in doing so, we risk losing our power and authentic selves.

In my coaching practice, I see people struggle with feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, and self-doubt. Add in chronic rejection and you can see how their fears are confirmed. It’s a vicious cycle I wrote about in my blog post “Put Yourself On Your Own Damn Pedestal.” In it, I talk about the danger of trying to be something you’re not for the sake of being loved.

When you wait for someone to love you, you end up handing over your dignity to the person whose approval or acceptance you so desperately seek. And it’s not just in love. People contort themselves in the name of friendship too. We bend over backwards and cross our own boundaries to be liked, or to be in certain circles. It’s exhausting and ultimately very demoralizing.

Out of curiosity I did a Google search on “How To Make Someone Love You,” and much to my dismay, I found over 1,480,000,000 search results. Apparently, there’s a whole industry devoted to being loved, by any means necessary.

Here’s a few titles I came upon:

  • 6 Scientifically Proven Ways To Make Someone Fall For You
  • How To Use Psychology To Make Someone Fall (and stay) In Love With You
  • 19 Ways To Help You “Make” Someone Love You
  • 12 Ways To Make A Woman Fall Deeply In Love With You
  • 15 Tricky Psychological Ways To Make Someone Love You
  • 6 Sneaky Ways To Get Him To Say I Love You
  • 15 Science-Backed Tips To Make Someone Love You

Reading all this broke my heart because not one of them suggested the way to get someone to love you is to simply be yourself.

Waiting for people to love you is a complete waste of your precious energy and time, not to mention a complete slap in the face to your self-respect. Dating or wanting to be friends with people who don’t feel the same way is a constant reminder of what you can’t have, even worse, that you’re unlovable–which isn’t true.

If you keep trying to be something you’re not, if you keep trying to be what you think someone wants, you will become unrecognizable to yourself, which to me, is more painful than not being loved in the first place.

So don’t hold back your truth or stifle the real you. Don’t be so fearful or self-conscious that you forget who you are. The only thing you need is conviction about who you are, and what you have to offer. Practice honest self-reflection and embrace your lovely, charming, decent, kind, intelligent, authentic self. Above all, make sure you’re connected to your worth at all times. That alone will win people over.

At the same time, dump the people-pleaser and let the approval seeker go.

It shouldn’t take long for people to see your magnificence, but if it does, you’re with the wrong people. Move on, don’t wait around. As dating advice writer Shani Silver reminds us: “Anyone you have to convince to want you is a prime candidate for deletion.”

Don’t wait to be someone’s most precious person, start right now and be your own precious person first.

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If You Ask Me, Love Isn’t Blind Enough

andy warhol-quote-love

Before online dating, before dating apps, social media, and the internet, there was this thing called a “Blind Date.”

Your friends or family would fix you up with someone–like their cousin or cute dentist–and you’d say yes. First, you’d ask some questions, get some general information, a brief description, and a glowing recommendation, and that was pretty much all you needed.

You had no idea what they looked like, but you had enough to go on. The rest—having faith, trust, an open mind, and a sense of adventure—was up to you. You thanked them for fixing you up, and off you went. And if it wasn’t a match, at least you found a new dentist to clean your teeth.

Back when people went on blind dates, they didn’t ask for photos first. There was no Facebook to see what they looked like, no Instagram to check out their bathroom selfies, and no Google to run background checks. Because there was no way to know if your date was your “type,” you had to go on the word of the person fixing you up. All you could hope for was that your date would be nice, not a jerk, and attractive enough.

Back then, if you asked to see someone’s pictures first, the person fixing you up would either think you were nuts, paranoid, ungrateful, or a snob. “You think I keep photos in my wallet of everyone I want to fix you up with?! Haha you’re hilarious.” Of course, this was before smart phones, before you could whip out your device and flash someone’s profile pic.

I miss those days. I miss setting people up on blind dates. It was old-fashioned and romantic, from another time. There was mystery. Now, there is no more blind dating. There’s no “blindness” in dating anymore, and I blame technology. Technology killed blind dating. Because of technology, no one is willing to take a chance and throw caution to the wind. There’s no element of surprise because everyone needs to check out the goods first.

What happens when people check out the goods first? They judge. They scrutinize. They assume. They discriminate. They discount. And there goes the date, and with it, any possibility of meeting someone great. All because he/she’s not attractive enough, rich enough, or maybe too old, heavy, bald, whatever. This is my blind dating lament.

People are visual, but online dating has made dating harder because it relies on the visual.

No matter how accomplished, smart, interesting, or funny your blind date could be, you’ll never know if you judge them by their photos first. All you’ll do is form some preconceived notions about them, and nix it. Even if you saw a photo of a Victoria’s Secret model before going out with her, you’d have preconceived notions, not to mention EXPECTATIONS that mostly likely would never be met.

I can’t tell you how many people I’ve tried to fix up on blind dates but they won’t go without a picture upfront. I’ve even tried not to give out last names lest they go running to Facebook first to look them up. It drives me insane.

NEWSFLASH! Not everyone’s a supermodel. Not everyone is Brad Fucking Pitt. But if want me to fix you up with someone, and YOU’RE my friend, and THEY’RE my friend, and I vouch for both of you, that should be good enough. And if you trust ME and MY taste, you’ll go on the damn date without further ado.

Anyone who’s been single since the advent of the internet is guilty of dating due diligence, including me back in the day. It’s been standard operating procedure ever since. When I was single, I took full advantage of technology to help me find matches. But I also went on blind dates. And you know what? I actually preferred blind dates over meeting total strangers online. At least my friends could pre-screen people for weirdness. Plus, the personal connection prevented any ghosting or other bad dating behavior. Because when you get fixed up by a friend, you have to be accountable for your actions, unlike with anonymous dating apps where there’s no accountability for being a dick (or the female equivalent).

They say love is blind. Not in this digital age! In the digital age, love is superficial, shallow, and completely lacking in surprise.

Thankfully, there are some dating apps out there trying to make love a little more blind. Like Jigsaw, the “Anti-superficial dating app.” To keep it substantive and not shallow, they superimpose a digital jigsaw over your face. The more you interact, the more pieces are removed to reveal your photo.

Then there’s Taffy, a chat-first dating app that “Puts personality on the same level as physical appearance.” They keep your photos blurry until you start chatting.

A new Netflix reality series, Sexy Beasts is also trying to keep love blind. Premise: real-life singles look for love while hiding their identities behind elaborate Hollywood makeup, costumes, and prosthetics.

The show aims to reinvent the blind date by asking “Would you fall in love with someone based on personality alone?” After a series of dates, contestants select their matches without seeing their real faces, which are eventually revealed after the final decision is made.

“Once you get attracted to someone’s mind, you’ll find beauty in everything they do.”

All of this goes to show that looks can be overrated. On our podcast Done Being Single, my Robby and I urge our listeners to date against type for this very reason. I’m reminded of an inspiring quote to support this: “Once you get attracted to someone’s mind, you’ll find beauty in everything they do.” After dating many types, I can say with much certainty this is true. The mature, bald, and heavy-set men were always the sexiest, and their minds sealed the deal for me. As for the supermodels, I’m reminded of another inspiring quote: “Show me a beautiful woman and I’ll show you someone who’s tired of fucking her.”

Yes, looks get old.

In doing research for this blog post, I came upon a fantastic article “Date Ugly Men.” I loved the sentiment, but the comment section made me cheer. A female commenter wrote:

“My conventionally hyper attractive husband dated me – well out of his aesthetic comfort zone but I interested him. We’ve been married nine years and going strong. He often comments that I am the best woman he has ever been in a relationship with – and he’s lived a rockstar lifestyle and dated over 3000 girls. But it took 3000 girls and one divorce from an extremely attractive woman to convince him looks were overrated.

Men are hard wired to want to date attractive girls in their youth. Women to a lesser extent…

My advice would be – sow those wild oats. Sow oats over physically attractive people to your hearts content. When you’re sick of the superficial nonsense – and you get all those experiences out of your system – find the one that you would like to grow old and ugly with 🙂

Women: try dating poor men! Not men who are lazy or losers, but men who’ve chosen professions that pay badly. Not because they wanted to be poor, but because they were committed to something larger than themselves, and as a man it takes a huge amount of bravery NOT to be a banker, venture capitalist or CEO.”

Preach, sister!

The next time a friend wants to introduce you to someone, say yes and don’t ask for pictures. Instead, go in blind. Take a chance, throw caution to the wind, and who knows? When you date with your eyes closed, you just might fall in love.

 

* * * * * *

Need help dating? Need a trusty guide to hold your hand or give you some tough love? I’m your coach. I found love and got married for the first time at 51, I know the ropes, and can get you results. Contact me now for a FREE coaching session.

For faster wisdom, follow me on IG @trevabme

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A Bad Relationship is a Terrible Thing to Waste

“You don’t develop courage by being happy in your relationships everyday. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity.” – Epictetus

*  *  *

I have a client who just broke up with her longtime boyfriend, and even though she’s heartbroken, she knew it had to end. The relationship wasn’t healthy, nor was it empowering her emotionally. For reasons having mostly to do with her own attachment issues and codependency, she ended up overstaying her welcome, and not leaving when she should have.

After a “come to Jesus” moment with herself (and tough love from me) she managed to break it off. But unfortunately, she’s now left feeling shame, anger, and regret.

Her self-recriminations were swift and stern:“Why did I stay so long? What was I thinking? Why didn’t I see it earlier? How could I have been so stupid? What’s wrong with me?”

There’s a million questions she could’ve asked herself, and a million ways to kick herself, but there’s only one thing she really needed to do: Understand the lesson in it all.

A bad relationship is a terrible thing to waste if:

  • There were no takeaways.
  • You didn’t take responsibility for your part.
  • You didn’t take time to heal.
  • You forgot about compassion and forgiveness.
  • You didn’t recognize possible patterns.
  • There was no growth or reflection.
  • You chose another bad relationship right after, OR
  • You take the anger from your last relationship into your next one.
street-art-mural-diogo-fagundes

Beautiful things can come from bad relationships. Photo credit: Diogo Fagundes

A bad relationship can undermine your confidence and wreak havoc on your self-esteem, but if you grew and evolved because of it, or if there was something redeeming in it, then it wasn’t a waste at all.

As blogger Jessica Wildfire says:

“Every relationship trains you for the next one.
We like to write off failed relationships as a total loss. Kick ourselves for wasting time on something that doesn’t work out.
Someone who wasn’t good for us after all.
Someone who took advantage of us.
Someone who never loved us. Or just thought they did.”

I was single until I was 51, and had lot of relationships during that time—mostly good, but some bad. And by bad, I mean they didn’t go anywhere, no matter how hard I tried. Think square peg, round hole and you get the picture.

When I think about how much time I wasted on these go-nowhere relationships, I could kick myself, but I’m not going to. Instead, I’m going to congratulate myself. I managed to get through them all while learning a ton about my self-worth in the process.

Failure became my best teacher, and it can become yours too if you look at it that way.

Bad relationships may break you, but not for long. Photo credit: @anniespratt

After a bad relationship, you will feel shame, anger, and heartbreak.  You will hate yourself and your ex (or maybe still love them?) and be in so much pain you wish you could go to bed and wake up in six months like it never happened.

Hard knocks are inevitable in life, but hard feelings towards yourself are another thing. Accept that you screwed up, or got played, or made bad decisions, or stayed too long, or chose the wrong person, and be done with it.

And if you’re going to kick yourself, at least kick yourself in the right direction.

Let bad relationships guide you, not define you. Let them train and prepare you for the love that comes next. Let them build resilience, and improve your emotional fitness, because you WILL bounce back and be in better shape for it.

Then one day when that bad relationship is over, and you’re healed and healthy, happily single or partnered up, looking great and feeling strong, you’ll realize that it wasn’t so terrible after all. That bad relationship, and all the bad ones that came before it, could have actually been worth it.

 * * *

If you need help navigating the dating world, conquering single life, staying empowered, or moving forward in life, check out my private coaching services. I’m an ICF-certified life coach/dating coach with all the tools and strategies you need to achieve your personal best in life and love. Contact me here and let’s get to work.

For faster wisdom, follow me on IG @trevabme.

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Put Yourself On Your Own Damn Pedestal

There was a time in my life when love was so elusive, when committed relationships felt so unobtainable, and marriage so out of reach, it had me convinced I wasn’t good enough, and that everyone was too good for me.

I was in my late 40s, still single, and on a horrible losing streak. Nonstarters and strikeouts characterized my dating life, and disappointment ruled the day. The worst thing about that time is the damage it did to my self-concept. Repeated rejections got into my head and messed with my mind. They made me question my attractiveness, doubt my desirability, and lose my ability to be my authentic self.

At 51, I finally tied the knot, and now at 57, I look back on those years and know exactly what went wrong. My need for approval was so misplaced, and my desire to get married was so ridiculous, it clouded everything, especially my priorities.

I put guys first. Big mistake.

When you worry too much about someone liking you, you forget to like yourself. You forget how to be yourself. You lose yourself. You forget where your power is, and why you were giving it away in the first place. When you put someone on a pedestal, you lower yourself; when you make someone more important, you diminish your own importance; when you come from a place of inadequacy, everyone seems better than you.

Insecurity + intimidation = inhibition. It’s unsustainable for dating and relationships.

There’s danger in believing negative narratives about yourself, especially because it can become self-fulfilling. Here’s what it looks like: your fear of not being attractive/charming/smart/whatever enough undermines your confidence, which in turn sabotages your relationships, which makes your worst fears come true.

I told you, it messes with your mind.

Hear this and believe it: YOU’RE ENOUGH AS YOU ARE. No one is ever too good for you, and no one is out of your league. Furthermore, don’t think for one second that guy or girl you like doesn’t have flaws and problems and issues that make them not so hot. No one is perfect, so stop handing them your power and making them boss. There should always be balance and equal footing, and if there isn’t, you’re in the wrong relationship with yourself.

Because it’s so easy to get down on yourself when you’re single–especially if you’ve been single a long time—it’s crucial that you take stock of your greatness. And by greatness, I mean every little wonderful thing about you, every little thing you’re proud of, every little thing that makes you fucking great. Remember, there’s no one like you. And when you know what you’ve got, no one, not even your own mind, can mess with you.

The question shouldn’t be: “Do they like me?” It should be “Do I like them?” The question should be “Are they worthy and deserving of me?” Not the other way around. It’s a privilege to date you, know you, be with you, but you need to be convinced of that first.

This brings me to the subject of self-acceptance vs. self-improvement.

As a life coach and former fitness professional, I’m in the business of self-improvement. I believe in it, preach it, and practice it. I’m a big fan of doing the work. There’s always room for improvement, always room to get stronger, fitter, more confident, productive and empowered, but there’s also room to be more accepting of yourself. Being able to love yourself, even if you don’t lose a pound, make more money, find a boyfriend, or get married. The truth is, there is nothing sexier than self-acceptance, because when you have it, the people you date feel it.

If you want to improve, do it for your own sense of accomplishment, not because you think it’ll make you more lovable. Remember, the only approval and validation you need comes from you first. And it shouldn’t be hard, because you’re already pretty fucking great as is.

But if you forget, I’m here to tell you: it’s time to put yourself on your own damn pedestal.

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Breaking Up With Donald Trump

We lasted four years together, which is shocking since I didn’t think we’d make it past his 2017 inauguration.

I thought we were over so many times; I thought he was out the door; I thought we were splitsville, but after every fuck up, controversy, or scandal, he managed to hang in there, for better or for worse. Although married three times, breaking up is really not his style. Nor is it his style to apologize or take responsibility. No, he just wanted to watch TV, tweet, and put as little work into the relationship as possible.

And I couldn’t do a thing about it. I had no choice. It was an arranged marriage of sorts, and I was stuck with him. I knew he was deeply flawed, wasn’t a healthy choice, and he definitely wasn’t my type, but I went into it anyway, plugging my nose and hoping for the best. I never stopped hoping he’d change. Or evolve. Or behave. Or just shut up and be nice.

I thought he could be fixed! Silly me!

From lying about his crowd size, to defending Russia, to coddling white supremacists, to threatening Ukraine, to his catastrophic response to the coronavirus pandemic, to trying to overturn an election and inciting a violent insurrection, he could never be the man I needed him to be.

I mean, how can you be in a relationship with someone who lied to you over 20,000 times??

He was never relationship material, and proved it every day. He pissed me off on Twitter, disgusted me at a press conferences, enraged me with his rallies. During our time together, he made poor choices, and constantly put his foot in his mouth. After  accomplishing things, he would self-sabotage spectacularly. He couldn’t help himself; he was his own worst enemy. For a guy who wanted love and loyalty so badly, he did everything he could to undermine it. SAD! as he’d tweet.

Normally, you’d want to give someone like this a big hug because you know how hurt and wounded they are, but it’s Trump, and it’s COVID, so please don’t.

As much of a disappointment as he was though, I must’ve cared or else I wouldn’t have written two blog posts about him.

The first one was called “The Trump Effect and How It’s Affecting Me,” written on October 10th, 2016. It was a month before the election, but it wasn’t about Donald Trump the candidate, it was about his Donald Trump the bully.

Why did this matter to me and why did I blog about it? Because I was once the victim of bullying myself. Not in a schoolyard when I was a kid, but as an adult, not too long ago. I was harassed, cyber-bullied, and threatened by some ex-friends. Years later, when Trump started his campaign, those old wounds were triggered.

“Trump’s habit of demonizing people because of their race, religion, gender, and appearance, is hitting a very sensitive spot for me. Whenever he humiliates and shames, it’s like he’s doing it to me personally. Whenever he hurls insults or demeans someone, he does it to me too.”

In light of the attack on the Capitol building on January 6th, 2021, what I wrote about bullies seems almost prescient:

“Worst of all, Trump is inciting a mindset in his supporters that feels like a collective threat to my soul. They remind me of an angry mob with pitchforks and torches, but instead of marauding through towns, they hide behind computers destroying you with their words.”

The second blog post I wrote about Donald Trump was on August 9th, 2017 called “Is Donald Trump F-ing With Your Love Life?”

Donald Trump-Valentines-WallHe did then, and he still is! Because Trump fucks with everything, including dating. He’s made it tribal. Thanks to Trump, love is now a battlefield, where people don’t cross enemy lines to date the opposition.

“Whether politics has made dating easier or harder is debatable, but one thing’s for sure: Donald Trump has become the new measure of compatibility. It’s not enough to know someone’s age, religion, career, interests, or relationship goals, you’ve got to know if they’re a Nasty Woman, a Bad Hombre, or a Deplorable.”

Four years later, it hasn’t gotten any better. The dating world is still as divided, if not more, which might not be such a bad thing. Because now we have the ability to swipe left on anti-maskers, COVID deniers or QAnon conspiracy kooks.

The truth is, you are your politics. Politics are your values and principles, you can’t separate them out. Pre-Trump, it wasn’t such a big deal, but love in the time of Trump is definitely a dealbreaker.

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We all dated Donald Trump, and breaking up with him won’t be easy. We got in deep, and allowed him to penetrate all areas of our life. He says he’s never going away, and in fact, says we’re getting back together one day! He’s a man scorned, so he’ll continue to linger and be bitter. He’ll stalk and troll and tweet and make our lives miserable, just like a crazy ex. But now, we need to ghost him. We need to heal and move on, and get a restraining order if we have to.

It was a tough four years, but I have hope we can make politics civil, and make love great again. Just not with anyone named Trump.

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Undecided Voters, Maybe You Should Rub One Out

I came across a Reddit thread the other day about “Post Nut Clarity.” I had no idea what the term meant, but the word “nut” gave me a clue. So after scrolling down a few hundred comments from mostly horny millennial guys, it became clear: Post nut clarity is an epiphany or realization you have after masturbating or having sex. What a mind blower! To think of all the applications post nut clarity could have in life, especially for undecided voters, got me excited.

Yes, I’m making politics sexual. That’s what you call post nut clarity!

With the election a day away, it’s hard to think anyone’s still on the fence. But if your mind still isn’t made up, if you’re still confused about ballot measures, and struggling to pick presidents, and can’t seem to pull the lever, the solution may be to pull something else.

Think about your brain when you’re horny. You can’t think straight. It’s hard to rationalize and compartmentalize. Your decision-making abilities are impaired, your critical thinking is cloudy, and you lose judgment and impulse control. Things and people often look better than they appear….like candidates and online dates.

But then you rub one out, and suddenly, you have clarity! Or, as Trump likes to say: “It’s like a miracle, one day it just goes away.” What was attractive isn’t, what was desirable, is no longer. Justin Lehmiller, PhD, a social psychologist and research fellow at the Kinsey Institute, confirms this. “Once someone experiences orgasm, their thinking can become more clear.” Having post nut clarity will keep you from making the worst mistakes of your life in dating and politics.

Why does this happen? Blame brain chemistry. During sexual stimulation, there’s less blood in the brain than normal, which is replaced by endorphins, dopamine, and other feel-good hormones. After orgasm is achieved, the blood returns to the brain, making you feel like you can think more clearly. After you choke the chicken, you’ll suddenly realize that hot chick running for congress isn’t your type, and that proposition you’re about to vote for, is really a bunch of shit just benefitting billionaires.

Having sex or masturbating is an excellent pre (and post) election day activity. It’ll help you focus, it’s a great tension reliever, and it’ll mellow you out before the riots begin.

Post nut clarity isn’t just for men either, woman achieve amazing awareness from getting off. I remember years ago I was just starting to date a guy I was super attracted to. We hadn’t had sex yet, and the build-up was ridiculous. But then we did the deed, and right after I said to myself: What the hell was I thinking? 

When I was in college, I had a sorority sister who ate dinner before going on dates, because she didn’t want to be hungry and eat too much. It’s like a guy who jerks off before a date so he can concentrate on the girl, and not getting into her pants. (P.S. My husband just informed me that guys jerk off before dates in case they get lucky and don’t want to come too soon. He then added, “Of course that doesn’t work either”)

People do dumb things when they’re horny/lonely/hungry or voting in a hotly contested elections. They think with their dicks (or vaginas), not with their heads. They let fear get the best of them. They believe lies. They become immune to cruelty. They let hate blind them. They ignore their own best-interests. They get bamboozled by tax cuts, and seduced by empty promises.

If the electorate of this country got laid before casting their votes, we might have better government.

Before you pull the lever, remember, you’re committing to at least a 4-year relationship with your president, and 6-years with your senators, plus a bunch of years with new judges, school board members, etc, so you don’t want to be rash. It’s just like picking a GF/BF or choosing your spouse, you want to be 100% all-in, for the right reasons. No regrets.

If you’re still undecided about how to vote, you might want to take a few minutes to read the election materials as if it was porn. Get excited, get worked up, then shoot your political load with a clear mind and conscience. Even if you’re voting in a Red state, you don’t want to have blue balls.

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Treva’s Statement On COVID-19

The pandemic has turned our world upside down. The way we live, interact, and connect, have all have been disrupted. Being single seems harder, dating feels more challenging, and it takes more effort to stay focused and motivated. But it doesn’t have to be this way. There are creative solutions and strategies to finding love–and your power–in the time of coronavirus. You just need the right tools, support, and direction.

If you’re struggling right now, I can help. Contact me, talk to me, work with me. We’ll get through this together.

CONTACT ME

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10 Life & Love Lessons from Me and Navy SEAL Admiral McRaven

I bet you didn’t know (and I’m sure he doesn’t know either) but Navy SEAL Admiral William H. McRaven is an accidental dating and relationship expert.

When he offered his 10 life lessons in a commencement speech to the University of Texas at Austin, he wasn’t exactly talking about LOVE, but he could’ve been. In urging the graduating students to find the courage to change the world, he unwittingly offered profound, powerful, and practical analogies to love. So much about how we live, translates to how we love. Both require courage.

Below are the Admiral’s life lessons, and my translations:

1. If you want to change the world, start off by making your bed.

He says: “If you can’t do the little things right, you will never do the big things right.”

I say: Love requires that you work on YOU first. You’ll never be a happy single or a healthy partner unless you take care of yourself. Fix what’s broken; resolve old issues; build your worth and value; savor the small wins, and never stop self-improving.

2. If you want to change the world, find someone to help you paddle.

He says: “You can’t change the world alone—you will need some help. To get from your starting point to your destination takes friends, colleagues, the good will of strangers, and a strong coxswain to guide you.”

I say: Have a good support system to keep you strong and loved, people who will be there when you need them–like after a breakup, or in between a relationship, or when you don’t want to be alone. Surround yourself with friends, family, advisors, and mentors. They’ll come in handy.

3. If you want to change the world, measure a person by the size of their heart, not their flippers.

He says: “SEAL training was a great equalizer. Nothing mattered but your will to succeed. Not your color, ethnic background, education, or social status.”

I say: Don’t measure a person by their bank account, age, car, or looks. In other words, don’t be shallow. Get past the exterior and go deeper. Ask questions, listen, be curious. Find out what’s in their heart. Your soulmate might not be what you expected, so don’t judge too quickly.

4. If you want to change the world get over being a sugar cookie and keep moving forward.

He says: “Sometimes no matter how well you prepare or how well you perform, you still end up as a sugar cookie.

For failing the uniform inspection, the student [in Basic SEAL training] had to run, fully clothed into the surf zone and then, wet from head to toe, roll around on the beach until every part of their body was covered with sand. The effect was known as a ‘sugar cookie.’ You stayed in that uniform the rest of the day–cold, wet and sandy.

There were many a student who just couldn’t accept the fact that all their effort was in vain. Those students didn’t understand the purpose of the drill. You were never going to succeed. You were never going to have a perfect uniform.”

I say: When it comes to the pursuit of love, you may have the best intentions and still not measure up. Life isn’t fair, and neither is love sometimes. No one’s perfect, we all have flaws. Accept it as an opportunity for growth and change, and a chance to deepen the relationship to yourself and others.

5. If you want to change the world, don’t be afraid of the circuses.

He says: “Everyday during training, you were challenged with multiple physical events–long runs, long swims, obstacle courses, hours of calisthenics–something designed to test your mettle. Every event had standards you had to meet. If you failed to meet those standards, your names was posted on a list, and at the end of the day, those on the list were invited to a ‘circus.’ A circus was two hours of additional calisthenics designed to wear you down, to break your spirit, to force you to quit.”

Life is filled with circuses. You will fail. You will likely fail often. It will be painful. It will be discouraging. At times it will test you to your very core.”

I say: Love is filled with circuses. Despite your good efforts, you’ll make mistakes. You’ll get down on yourself. You’ll fight with your spouse or argue with your BF/GF. You may not get the guy or the girl, you may breakup or get dumped, or be single longer than you’d like. Don’t get discouraged, don’t let it break your spirit. Keep your eye on the prize, and keep moving forward.

6. If you want to change the world sometimes you have to slide down the obstacle head first.

He says: “The record for the obstacle course had stood for years when my class began training in 1977. The record seemed unbeatable, that is, until a student decided to bravely go down head first. It was a dangerous move, seemingly foolish and fraught with risk, but he ended up breaking the record.”

I say: Love takes guts. Being single, dating online, putting yourself out there, is scary. Commitment is daring. Marriage is brave. Relationships take conviction. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable takes courage, so does being alone. Love of all kinds requires risk, but with the risk comes great rewards.

7. If you want to change the world, don’t back down from the sharks.

He says: “There are a lot of sharks in the world. If you hope to complete the swim you will have to deal with them.”

I say: Haters and shamers are a part of life. They’ll either be jealous, begrudge your happiness, or judge you. Rise above it with dignity and grace. Never cower, never let your relationship status define you.

 8. If you want to change the world, you must be your very best in the darkest moment.

He says: “At the darkest moment of the mission is the time when you must be calm and composed, when all your tactical skills, your physical power, and all your strength must be brought to bear.”

I say: There will be times when the search for love will feel impossible, or sustaining your love will feel daunting. Love is not a losing cause. Stay calm, breathe, trust, and never abandon yourself–especially in dark moments.

9. If you want to change the world, start singing when you’re up to your neck in mud.

He says: “If I have learned anything in my time traveling the world, it is the power of hope. The power of one person–Washington, Lincoln, King, Mandela, and even a young girl from Pakistan Malala–one person can change the world by giving people hope.”

I say: Nothing will bring you more unconditional love than helping others. Volunteer work gets you out of your head, puts things into perspective, and instills compassion. When you lift others up, you lift yourself up; when you change someone’s life, you change your own.

10. If you want to change the world don’t ever, ever ring the bell.

He says: “In SEAL training, there is a brass bell that hangs in the center of the compound for all the students to see. All you have to do to quit, is ring the bell. Ring the bell and you no longer have to wake up at 5 o’clock. Ring the bell and you no longer have to do the freezing cold swims. Ring the bell and you no longer have to do the runs, the obstacle course, the PT–and you no longer have to endure the hardships of training. Just ring the bell. If you want to change the world, don’t ever, ever, ring the bell.”

I say: Love will challenge you, test you, teach you. Love is a lesson; it shows you what you’re made of, and if you’re up to the task. Love ultimately starts with YOU, happiness is an inside job, and it’s worth it. It doesn’t matter if you’re single, coupled up, or married forever, stay the course. Don’t give up on love, and don’t ever, ever give up on yourself.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

Watch the full speech here:

 

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Falling In Love Is Scary AF

Falling in love is a death-defying act.

You’re head-over-heels, topsy-turvy, with zero gravity, zero certainty, and no way of knowing which way is up.

When you fall in love, you have no control, no grip, no balance. You’re vulnerable, powerless, dizzy, exposed. You don’t know how you’ll land, where you’ll land, or if you’ll land safely.

You take a chance when you fall in love. You throw caution to the wind. You leap and hope the net shall appear. You open your heart, cross your fingers, and hope not to die.

Falling in love is risky business and scary as fuck.

For a control freak with an anxious attachment style, falling in love always caused too much stress. Were those butterflies in my stomach or gastritis? Was my heart aflutter or was it anxiety? Was I high on life, or was it the weed calming me down? Don’t get me wrong, I love LOVE, but I hated falling into it.

Love fucks with your head, and it’s not my imagination. According to science, falling in love causes all kinds of crazy changes in your brain chemistry, which Dr. Rosemary Guerguerian MD explains:

“When you first fall in love, your heart may also be pounding. You might have sweaty palms and nervous butterflies. You might feel exhilarated, elated, and full of energy. This is the effect of norepinephrine, a neurotransmitter closely related to increased levels of dopamine. Norepinephrine controls the fight-or-flight response. It makes us hyperalert during times of stress–so you may notice you feel unable to eat or sleep. Love is a stress we actually crave and search for the world over.”

I’ve been in love enough times to know it’s an exquisite experience, but it also triggers fear of rejection. This lead me to OCD-level worry and rumination: I wonder if he’s into me? I wonder if it will last? I wonder how he feels? I wonder if he’ll call? I wonder if I’ll ever stop wondering?

Even as the relationship started to develop, there’d be a whole new list of things to worry about: What if he loses interest? What if we don’t share the same goals? What if I’m honest and he thinks I’m nuts? What if he finds out I’m not perfect?

What I should’ve been wondering is: Where the hell was my self-worth?

Why was I so worried about someone liking me, when it should’ve been the other way around? Why was I allowing a guy to determine my value? Why was I waiting for someone’s approval, when all I had to do was give it to myself?

It took me until I was 51 to get married, and it took me about that long to understand the problem: When you lack confidence, when you question your worth, and when you look outside of yourself for validation, falling in love will always be frightening.

And if you’re still nervous or fearful after the initial love high wears off, if you’re still in fight or flight mode and your heart’s still pounding as the relationship goes on, you’re either with the wrong person, in the wrong relationship, or you need to book an appointment with me.

Falling might be scary as fuck, but love should be as uneventful as hell. It took work on myself and finding a good man to tell me this is true. You shouldn’t feel unsafe, and your palms shouldn’t still be sweating beyond the first few weeks of a new relationship.

Whether you’re dating, in a relationship, married, or in the middle of a break-up, having a strong safety net of self-worth underneath you will save the day. Having your own sense of security is what will bring calm and stability into your partnership, or single life.

The truth is, there are no guarantees when it comes to love. We all take our chances; we throw caution to the wind and leap.

Falling in love shouldn’t feel like a high-wire act. It shouldn’t give you gastritis or anxiety, or make you need a bong hit just to deal. It shouldn’t make you question yourself or worry incessantly. When I finally met someone who accepted my neuroses and imperfections, it all became clear AF:

If you accept yourself first, and your partner does too, you know you fell for the right person.

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