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Let The One That Got Away Get Away

We’ve all had that one that got away.

It’s the boyfriend you dumped, the girlfriend that didn’t last, the relationship that didn’t work out, the marriage that didn’t make it. The one that got away may either be long gone, or still hanging around– if just in your mind. They have you reliving old memories, looking back with nostalgia, romanticizing about what life would’ve been like, and haunting you with “what ifs.”

They could even have you kicking yourself for letting them go.

The one that got away was great while it lasted. They were sweet, good hearted, maybe even marriage material. You had high hopes, and as much as you wanted it to work, you just weren’t feeling it, so the relationship had to end.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” That’s what we say to the ones that get away.

The truth is, the one that got away didn’t really get away, you let them go. And for good reason:

  • You didn’t see a future with them.
  • You had different goals.
  • You weren’t ready to commit.
  • The relationship ran its course.
  • You outgrew them.
  • You fell out of love.
  • Your attachment style didn’t mesh with theirs.

Being truthful about your relationships requires radical self-reflection. First, it requires getting real with yourself, being honest, owning your faults, and trusting your intuition and instincts, then it requires having the courage to do the right thing. Letting someone go hurts, but the pain of staying when you know your heart isn’t into it, is worse. The one that got away deserves more, so do you. Give yourself both a chance to find something and someone better.

Sometimes we let the good ones go for reasons that aren’t so good:

  • You self-sabotage in relationships.
  • You’re not used to healthy love or stable partners.
  • You’re bored without chaos and drama.
  • You don’t feel worthy of a great guy/girl.
  • You blow up perfectly good relationships.
  • You thought you could do better.
  • You’re a fault finder.
  • You operate from a place of fear.

If you’re letting the good ones get away, maybe it’s time to do a little radical self-reflection. Do a deep dive and take a harder look. What is happening or has happened in my life that’s making me let the good ones get away? Am I repeating patterns? Do I have an emotional wound that still needs healing?

If it’s not them and it’s you, maybe it’s time to find out why.

Looking back on my single days, you could say I had one or two that got away. Correction: they didn’t get away, I let them go.

They were perfectly wonderful people—kind, respectful, loving–but they weren’t for me. Do I regret letting them go? Not at all. Somewhere in my gut I knew it was the right thing to do. As expedient as it would’ve been to get married younger and earlier, I couldn’t do something I wasn’t ready to do.

But still, it made me think: If it wasn’t them, was it me?

To understand why perfectly wonderful people didn’t work out, I did a radical self-reflection. I did a deep dive and took a hard look at my dating patterns and decided that I had let people go for both good and bad reasons.

Maybe it was my intuition or instincts (or even divine intervention at work), but as it turned out, it was a good thing that the ones that got away, got away. They cleared the way for right person to eventually come in.

There are times when you find your way back to the one that got away:

  • You’re lonely, bored, horny, or afraid of being alone.
  • You hate being single.
  • You realize you made a terrible mistake.
  • You miss them.
  • You can’t live without them.
  • You couldn’t find anyone better.
  • You saw them on social media with someone else and it’s killing you.

The question to ask yourself is: Do I really want to be with this person, or am I just trying to fill a void? Do I want them back for good or bad reasons?

If you truly feel like you’ve made a terrible mistake, then circle back and explain. Apologize and make amends. Talk about what happened, what went wrong, and take responsibility for your part and actions. Maybe there’s grace and forgiveness, maybe there’s a second chance, or maybe there’s closure, which you both could probably use.

Remember why you let them go in the first place and don’t stop remembering. Chances are, you dodged a bullet. Remembering that alone will keep you grounded in the present, and secure with your decision.

As much as you may want a relationship, you must be willing to walk away from the ones that don’t work and be firm. Don’t second guess, and for god’s sake, don’t live with regret. Be kind and forgiving to yourself. You can dream, muse, fantasize all day long about what could’ve been, but leave it at that. Don’t keep yourself chained to the past. You moved on for a reason, so respect that!

Let the one that got away, get away–and don’t look back. Because when you release that person, you will also release yourself for something better.

Need more dating direction and guidance like this? I’m an ICF-certified life/dating/relationship coach with years of know-how and I’m here to help. Check out my private coaching services to get empowered now.

For faster hits of wisdom, following me @trevabme.

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Remember Flirting?

Remember flirting? You know, that thing you did when you were interested in or attracted to someone? You walked up to them, said hi, made small talk, shared a laugh, felt a vibe?

Yeah, those days are gone.

COVID might’ve been the last nail in the flirting coffin. It might’ve officially killed it off, but I think flirting was already on life-support and COVID just pulled the plug.

Flirting has been dying for a while, and it’s not the pandemic responsible for its demise. It’s online dating.

A Wall Street Journal article a few months ago “Science Provides Tips for Post-Covid Flirting” suggests flirting has been in temporary hibernation: “Now that many of us are emerging from our Covid shells, blinking at the spring sun, it’s time to refresh some pre-pandemic pastimes. Like flirting, for example. A dating app can call up several romantic prospects within a five-mile radius of where you stand, but can it hold your gaze, or lightly brush your bare arm while passing by?”

Let’s be honest. When was the last time you held someone’s gaze or lightly brushed a bare arm while passing by? When was the last time you even smiled at someone, made eye contact, or approached them? You don’t remember, do you.

Online dating is making flirting a relic of the past. As a dating coach, I worry about this. I worry people are forgetting how to bat their eyes or chat someone up, because they don’t have to anymore. That’s what their phones are for! They hide behind their screens, and let technology do the heavy lifting.

Flirting is like a muscle—use it or lose it.

And before you say: “But I flirt by text!” Sorry, that doesn’t count. Smiley faces and heart emojis are no substitute for real, in-person, chemistry-establishing, face-to-face interaction with someone.

I get why flirting has fallen out of favor these days. Opportunities to meet organically are fewer, dating apps are everywhere, we’re in the age of #MeToo, getting “hit on” gets a bad rap, people can’t deal with rejection, and yes, flirting has been in hibernation. It’s been quarantined, locked-down and masked-up along with the rest of us.

People, it’s going to be a heavy lift, but we’ve gotta bring back flirting!

It doesn’t matter if you’re a man or woman, both sexes can send signals and initiate. No more standing on ceremony, no more excuses. Both sexes have the power, and gender roles are much more flexible. Plus, flirting is primal and hardwired into us. We did it as cavemen/cavewomen, and the evolutionary tradition must go on.

WSJ: “Primal signals are at work when it comes to flirting; triggers have persisted over time, across continents and cultural divides. The question now is whether in-person flirting is the same as before the pandemic, the same as before women’s educational and occupational gains and nearly the same as eons ago. And the answer seems to be yes, yes and yes.”

Yes, yes, and yes is what I say too!

If it’s been a while since you’ve flirted, let me refresh your memory; if you don’t know how, let me clue you in with the following test-driven tips.

P.S. These aren’t secrets from some creepy PUA (Pick Up Artist) Reddit thread, this is common sense, respectful advice from a woman who was single for 50 years and knows a thing or two about flirting.

  • Make small talk. Asking questions, chatting, or commiserating with someone establishes connection and chemistry.
  • Strike up a friendly conversation at a grocery store, coffee place, say hello in an elevator.
  • Give someone a compliment.
  • Say “good morning” or wish someone a good day.
  • Make eye contact and smile. It signals openness and approachability.
  • A friendly touch on the arm establishes intimacy and warmth.
  • If you’re on the receiving end of a flirtation and not interested, be gracious and kind anyway. Don’t roll your eyes and be dismissive.

Flirting is an art and a skill we must keep alive. So put your phone down, look around, and if there’s someone cute you want to meet, go do it. Use it before you lose it.

Need more dating direction and guidance? I’m an International Coaching Federation certified life/dating/relationship coach with years of experience and know-how, and I’m here to help. Check out my private coaching services and get empowered.

For faster hits of wisdom, following me @trevabme.

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A Bad Relationship is a Terrible Thing to Waste

“You don’t develop courage by being happy in your relationships everyday. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity.” – Epictetus

*  *  *

I have a client who just broke up with her longtime boyfriend, and even though she’s heartbroken, she knew it had to end. The relationship wasn’t healthy, nor was it empowering her emotionally. For reasons having mostly to do with her own attachment issues and codependency, she ended up overstaying her welcome, and not leaving when she should have.

After a “come to Jesus” moment with herself (and tough love from me) she managed to break it off. But unfortunately, she’s now left feeling shame, anger, and regret.

Her self-recriminations were swift and stern:“Why did I stay so long? What was I thinking? Why didn’t I see it earlier? How could I have been so stupid? What’s wrong with me?”

There’s a million questions she could’ve asked herself, and a million ways to kick herself, but there’s only one thing she really needed to do: Understand the lesson in it all.

A bad relationship is a terrible thing to waste if:

  • There were no takeaways.
  • You didn’t take responsibility for your part.
  • You didn’t take time to heal.
  • You forgot about compassion and forgiveness.
  • You didn’t recognize possible patterns.
  • There was no growth or reflection.
  • You chose another bad relationship right after, OR
  • You take the anger from your last relationship into your next one.
street-art-mural-diogo-fagundes

Beautiful things can come from bad relationships. Photo credit: Diogo Fagundes

A bad relationship can undermine your confidence and wreak havoc on your self-esteem, but if you grew and evolved because of it, or if there was something redeeming in it, then it wasn’t a waste at all.

As blogger Jessica Wildfire says:

“Every relationship trains you for the next one.
We like to write off failed relationships as a total loss. Kick ourselves for wasting time on something that doesn’t work out.
Someone who wasn’t good for us after all.
Someone who took advantage of us.
Someone who never loved us. Or just thought they did.”

I was single until I was 51, and had lot of relationships during that time—mostly good, but some bad. And by bad, I mean they didn’t go anywhere, no matter how hard I tried. Think square peg, round hole and you get the picture.

When I think about how much time I wasted on these go-nowhere relationships, I could kick myself, but I’m not going to. Instead, I’m going to congratulate myself. I managed to get through them all while learning a ton about my self-worth in the process.

Failure became my best teacher, and it can become yours too if you look at it that way.

Bad relationships may break you, but not for long. Photo credit: @anniespratt

After a bad relationship, you will feel shame, anger, and heartbreak.  You will hate yourself and your ex (or maybe still love them?) and be in so much pain you wish you could go to bed and wake up in six months like it never happened.

Hard knocks are inevitable in life, but hard feelings towards yourself are another thing. Accept that you screwed up, or got played, or made bad decisions, or stayed too long, or chose the wrong person, and be done with it.

And if you’re going to kick yourself, at least kick yourself in the right direction.

Let bad relationships guide you, not define you. Let them train and prepare you for the love that comes next. Let them build resilience, and improve your emotional fitness, because you WILL bounce back and be in better shape for it.

Then one day when that bad relationship is over, and you’re healed and healthy, happily single or partnered up, looking great and feeling strong, you’ll realize that it wasn’t so terrible after all. That bad relationship, and all the bad ones that came before it, could have actually been worth it.

 * * *

If you need help navigating the dating world, conquering single life, staying empowered, or moving forward in life, check out my private coaching services. I’m an ICF-certified life coach/dating coach with all the tools and strategies you need to achieve your personal best in life and love. Contact me here and let’s get to work.

For faster wisdom, follow me on IG @trevabme.

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10 Life & Love Lessons from Me and Navy SEAL Admiral McRaven

I bet you didn’t know (and I’m sure he doesn’t know either) but Navy SEAL Admiral William H. McRaven is an accidental dating and relationship expert.

When he offered his 10 life lessons in a commencement speech to the University of Texas at Austin, he wasn’t exactly talking about LOVE, but he could’ve been. In urging the graduating students to find the courage to change the world, he unwittingly offered profound, powerful, and practical analogies to love. So much about how we live, translates to how we love. Both require courage.

Below are the Admiral’s life lessons, and my translations:

1. If you want to change the world, start off by making your bed.

He says: “If you can’t do the little things right, you will never do the big things right.”

I say: Love requires that you work on YOU first. You’ll never be a happy single or a healthy partner unless you take care of yourself. Fix what’s broken; resolve old issues; build your worth and value; savor the small wins, and never stop self-improving.

2. If you want to change the world, find someone to help you paddle.

He says: “You can’t change the world alone—you will need some help. To get from your starting point to your destination takes friends, colleagues, the good will of strangers, and a strong coxswain to guide you.”

I say: Have a good support system to keep you strong and loved, people who will be there when you need them–like after a breakup, or in between a relationship, or when you don’t want to be alone. Surround yourself with friends, family, advisors, and mentors. They’ll come in handy.

3. If you want to change the world, measure a person by the size of their heart, not their flippers.

He says: “SEAL training was a great equalizer. Nothing mattered but your will to succeed. Not your color, ethnic background, education, or social status.”

I say: Don’t measure a person by their bank account, age, car, or looks. In other words, don’t be shallow. Get past the exterior and go deeper. Ask questions, listen, be curious. Find out what’s in their heart. Your soulmate might not be what you expected, so don’t judge too quickly.

4. If you want to change the world get over being a sugar cookie and keep moving forward.

He says: “Sometimes no matter how well you prepare or how well you perform, you still end up as a sugar cookie.

For failing the uniform inspection, the student [in Basic SEAL training] had to run, fully clothed into the surf zone and then, wet from head to toe, roll around on the beach until every part of their body was covered with sand. The effect was known as a ‘sugar cookie.’ You stayed in that uniform the rest of the day–cold, wet and sandy.

There were many a student who just couldn’t accept the fact that all their effort was in vain. Those students didn’t understand the purpose of the drill. You were never going to succeed. You were never going to have a perfect uniform.”

I say: When it comes to the pursuit of love, you may have the best intentions and still not measure up. Life isn’t fair, and neither is love sometimes. No one’s perfect, we all have flaws. Accept it as an opportunity for growth and change, and a chance to deepen the relationship to yourself and others.

5. If you want to change the world, don’t be afraid of the circuses.

He says: “Everyday during training, you were challenged with multiple physical events–long runs, long swims, obstacle courses, hours of calisthenics–something designed to test your mettle. Every event had standards you had to meet. If you failed to meet those standards, your names was posted on a list, and at the end of the day, those on the list were invited to a ‘circus.’ A circus was two hours of additional calisthenics designed to wear you down, to break your spirit, to force you to quit.”

Life is filled with circuses. You will fail. You will likely fail often. It will be painful. It will be discouraging. At times it will test you to your very core.”

I say: Love is filled with circuses. Despite your good efforts, you’ll make mistakes. You’ll get down on yourself. You’ll fight with your spouse or argue with your BF/GF. You may not get the guy or the girl, you may breakup or get dumped, or be single longer than you’d like. Don’t get discouraged, don’t let it break your spirit. Keep your eye on the prize, and keep moving forward.

6. If you want to change the world sometimes you have to slide down the obstacle head first.

He says: “The record for the obstacle course had stood for years when my class began training in 1977. The record seemed unbeatable, that is, until a student decided to bravely go down head first. It was a dangerous move, seemingly foolish and fraught with risk, but he ended up breaking the record.”

I say: Love takes guts. Being single, dating online, putting yourself out there, is scary. Commitment is daring. Marriage is brave. Relationships take conviction. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable takes courage, so does being alone. Love of all kinds requires risk, but with the risk comes great rewards.

7. If you want to change the world, don’t back down from the sharks.

He says: “There are a lot of sharks in the world. If you hope to complete the swim you will have to deal with them.”

I say: Haters and shamers are a part of life. They’ll either be jealous, begrudge your happiness, or judge you. Rise above it with dignity and grace. Never cower, never let your relationship status define you.

 8. If you want to change the world, you must be your very best in the darkest moment.

He says: “At the darkest moment of the mission is the time when you must be calm and composed, when all your tactical skills, your physical power, and all your strength must be brought to bear.”

I say: There will be times when the search for love will feel impossible, or sustaining your love will feel daunting. Love is not a losing cause. Stay calm, breathe, trust, and never abandon yourself–especially in dark moments.

9. If you want to change the world, start singing when you’re up to your neck in mud.

He says: “If I have learned anything in my time traveling the world, it is the power of hope. The power of one person–Washington, Lincoln, King, Mandela, and even a young girl from Pakistan Malala–one person can change the world by giving people hope.”

I say: Nothing will bring you more unconditional love than helping others. Volunteer work gets you out of your head, puts things into perspective, and instills compassion. When you lift others up, you lift yourself up; when you change someone’s life, you change your own.

10. If you want to change the world don’t ever, ever ring the bell.

He says: “In SEAL training, there is a brass bell that hangs in the center of the compound for all the students to see. All you have to do to quit, is ring the bell. Ring the bell and you no longer have to wake up at 5 o’clock. Ring the bell and you no longer have to do the freezing cold swims. Ring the bell and you no longer have to do the runs, the obstacle course, the PT–and you no longer have to endure the hardships of training. Just ring the bell. If you want to change the world, don’t ever, ever, ring the bell.”

I say: Love will challenge you, test you, teach you. Love is a lesson; it shows you what you’re made of, and if you’re up to the task. Love ultimately starts with YOU, happiness is an inside job, and it’s worth it. It doesn’t matter if you’re single, coupled up, or married forever, stay the course. Don’t give up on love, and don’t ever, ever give up on yourself.

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Watch the full speech here:

 

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Falling In Love Is Scary AF

Falling in love is a death-defying act.

You’re head-over-heels, topsy-turvy, with zero gravity, zero certainty, and no way of knowing which way is up.

When you fall in love, you have no control, no grip, no balance. You’re vulnerable, powerless, dizzy, exposed. You don’t know how you’ll land, where you’ll land, or if you’ll land safely.

You take a chance when you fall in love. You throw caution to the wind. You leap and hope the net shall appear. You open your heart, cross your fingers, and hope not to die.

Falling in love is risky business and scary as fuck.

For a control freak with an anxious attachment style, falling in love always caused too much stress. Were those butterflies in my stomach or gastritis? Was my heart aflutter or was it anxiety? Was I high on life, or was it the weed calming me down? Don’t get me wrong, I love LOVE, but I hated falling into it.

Love fucks with your head, and it’s not my imagination. According to science, falling in love causes all kinds of crazy changes in your brain chemistry, which Dr. Rosemary Guerguerian MD explains:

“When you first fall in love, your heart may also be pounding. You might have sweaty palms and nervous butterflies. You might feel exhilarated, elated, and full of energy. This is the effect of norepinephrine, a neurotransmitter closely related to increased levels of dopamine. Norepinephrine controls the fight-or-flight response. It makes us hyperalert during times of stress–so you may notice you feel unable to eat or sleep. Love is a stress we actually crave and search for the world over.”

I’ve been in love enough times to know it’s an exquisite experience, but it also triggers fear of rejection. This lead me to OCD-level worry and rumination: I wonder if he’s into me? I wonder if it will last? I wonder how he feels? I wonder if he’ll call? I wonder if I’ll ever stop wondering?

Even as the relationship started to develop, there’d be a whole new list of things to worry about: What if he loses interest? What if we don’t share the same goals? What if I’m honest and he thinks I’m nuts? What if he finds out I’m not perfect?

What I should’ve been wondering is: Where the hell was my self-worth?

Why was I so worried about someone liking me, when it should’ve been the other way around? Why was I allowing a guy to determine my value? Why was I waiting for someone’s approval, when all I had to do was give it to myself?

It took me until I was 51 to get married, and it took me about that long to understand the problem: When you lack confidence, when you question your worth, and when you look outside of yourself for validation, falling in love will always be frightening.

And if you’re still nervous or fearful after the initial love high wears off, if you’re still in fight or flight mode and your heart’s still pounding as the relationship goes on, you’re either with the wrong person, in the wrong relationship, or you need to book an appointment with me.

Falling might be scary as fuck, but love should be as uneventful as hell. It took work on myself and finding a good man to tell me this is true. You shouldn’t feel unsafe, and your palms shouldn’t still be sweating beyond the first few weeks of a new relationship.

Whether you’re dating, in a relationship, married, or in the middle of a break-up, having a strong safety net of self-worth underneath you will save the day. Having your own sense of security is what will bring calm and stability into your partnership, or single life.

The truth is, there are no guarantees when it comes to love. We all take our chances; we throw caution to the wind and leap.

Falling in love shouldn’t feel like a high-wire act. It shouldn’t give you gastritis or anxiety, or make you need a bong hit just to deal. It shouldn’t make you question yourself or worry incessantly. When I finally met someone who accepted my neuroses and imperfections, it all became clear AF:

If you accept yourself first, and your partner does too, you know you fell for the right person.

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Dating Post-50: You Just Might Get What You Need

So what does a single man in midlife looking for love really want? A lot less than you’d think.

A few weeks ago I read an article about a widow in her 50s named Kerry McAvoy, who had just entered the online dating world after 30 years of marriage. What she found shocked her, but it didn’t shock me. Prior to getting married, I was single for a long time, so I already knew about online dating’s pitfalls, perils, and pervs.

What shocked me was a comment I read in the comment section, written by a single guy in his 50s. It was refreshingly sincere, incredibly honest, surprisingly simple, and I loved every word of it.

It made me wonder: Can finding love in midlife be this easy?

Or rather: Are we making the search for love too hard?

I feel so strongly about his comments and the sentiments he expressed, I want all of my single friends to read it–both men and women–because it’s really a commentary on the state of dating, not to mention a tutorial on how to date at this age.

“A really enjoyable read, Kerry. Thank you for enlightening me, as someone who is on the other side of those things that are on the female mind. There’s a lot of crossover in those mini-anxieties, and while you ladies have to put up with middle-aged Tom Cats on the prowl, I’ve also had my run ins with the female equivalent. I’ve been sent the equivalent of dick pics…I’m not sure my English slang carries over to the USA (I’d call it a fanny pic but I know you guys place the fanny at the rear, whereas we’re somewhat more to the front). As for sex, I’ve been surprised how many want first date sex. This would feel weird admitting this as my 20-year-old self…Much as I love sex and flattered by the offers, it’s not something I find appealing…it can muddle things up too much too early.

For me I need to see and feel the honesty in a profile. Recent pictures rather than obvious older ones. Maybe a smile rather than a grimace. A few pics that show personality and pastimes. I personally switch off from over idealistic wishes…swept of feet, soulmates, wishes of ‘tall, dark, & handsome’ or gym toned. I’m imperfect. I accept imperfection. In fact, no, I embrace it. Anything that denies our natural imperfections is a red flag. I’m wary of wishes of chemistry & compatibility. To me, that’s where we’re trying to end up. It’s not a given and it’s only sustainable (in my learned life experience) if it’s built & maintained. I’m 18 months into this middle-aged dating and learned so much about myself, and others. I haven’t given up hope. It takes patience and resilience. As an old mentor of mine safely advised ‘don’t rush, don’t panic, don’t give in.’ That, plus a dose of honesty, keeps me broadly happy with life.”

Like I said, I love this guy. And I’d love for more men to be like him: evolved and forgiving.

Men, learn from him. Women, listen to him. 

What should you be looking for in a partner? What are your expectations? Are you asking too much? Wanting it too soon? Are you putting up obstacles? Making people jump through hoops? Are you asking someone to give you what you ultimately need to give yourself?

I want my single friends to meet an evolved, forgiving person like this. Someone who’s romantic, but realistic. Someone who wears his midlife imperfections with pride. Someone who appreciates courtship and the value of waiting. Someone who accepts himself and embraces his flaws, and in turn, will embrace and accept your flaws too.

Chances are at this age, you won’t be swept off your feet–you’re too smart for that anyway. You know that love takes time, and it’s more of a slow build than a love bomb. You also know that soulmates aren’t made in a day or even a date.

The Rolling Stones were right. You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need.

If you can get past the pitfalls, perils, and pervs, you’ll see pretty much everyone’s looking for the same thing in midlife: a nice, normal, decent person, with integrity, experience and wisdom, who might have some wrinkles, possibly a little baggage, maybe a few extra pounds, but has a good heart and soul. Just like you, just like all of us.

Shockingly, I don’t think it’s too much to ask for.

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Single In A Pandemic? You’ve Got Options

How’s your dating life going since the pandemic? Non-existent or “what pandemic?”

Has it ground to a halt or going gangbusters? Have you gone into hibernation or gone wild? Or, have you realized you just don’t give a shit and deleted all your dating apps? There’s no bad answer here.

It’s a weird time to be single, but it might not be the worst time. Life and love will go on. We are social animals and need interaction. We need connection. Human contact is an essential business! There’s only so much social distancing/isolating/quarantining a person can take before losing their mind.

The good news is, as lockdowns lift, dating IRL might pick up again.

Or not.

From what health experts are saying, we’re not even done with the first wave of COVID. Things are spiking again, and with that comes the possibility of more sheltering-in-place. Regular dating might be put on hold. But there are workarounds. Single people are very resourceful in finding ways to adapt. When faced with challenges and adversity, singles think outside the mask (but the smart ones keep it on).

If you’re single right now, you need to be prepared for any eventuality. I wrote an article about this at the beginning of the pandemic, and things actually haven’t changed much. You’ve got options.

Option A: Stay active, keep your dating apps open.

Why let a pandemic cramp your dating style? There’s no reason not to keep swiping, scrolling, and staying out there. Everyone’s at home on their devices, so why not take advantage of your captive audience?

If you’re not sure which app/dating site is right for you, check out ConsumerAdvocate’s online dating guide here. And if you need a little dating coaching, you can always contact me here.

Before coronavirus, when you met on a dating app, you’d have a few text exchanges, maybe a call or two, then meet in person as soon as possible. You can still do that, but video dating is now the safer alternative for those too freaked out to meet face-to-face.

I love the idea of video dating. It’s like old-fashioned courtship. Very Victorian, very Jane Austen, very hot. Courting via video slows everything down, which I find very romantic. Delayed gratification is sexy as hell.

If you haven’t done video dating, or gotten good at it, there’s still time. There’s still time to meet the love of your life in the middle of a deadly virus, and look great doing it.

Watch this video dating tutorial for pointers. When it comes to lighting, camera angles, techniques, tips, and best practices, Hot & Flashy really nails it.

A video date is a real date, so treat it like one. Don’t be lazy. Clean up, put some makeup on, be as charming as you would IRL. This is your chance to get to know someone, and possibly get laid sometime next year, so make an effort.

Or, you can throw caution to the wind and throw your mask off, along with the rest of your clothes like this woman did. Read her pandemic dating story here.

Because physical intimacy might be too risky for the less adventurous or horny, chances are, anyone dating right now is searching for something more substantial, perhaps longer lasting than a just a hook-up or booty call. Maybe they’re searching for a shelter-in-place partner for the next pandemic (or the rest of this one).

Option B: Take a break, temporarily deactivate your dating apps.

There’s nothing wrong with taking a dating break, especially if you’re burned out or going through a hard time. If you’re not actively dating, hide your profile, or turn off auto-renewal until you’re ready to venture back out.

Use the downtime to catch your breath, work on yourself, get in better shape, and get clarity on what you want. When there’s no obligation or pressure to date, it frees you up to make smarter, more thought-out choices. Pandemic or no pandemic, pressing pause on your dating life presents a great opportunity to weed out the riff-raff and regain your sanity.

Option C: You’ve actually come to enjoy your alone time, and realize that social distancing/isolation isn’t that bad.

The quiet and stillness of lockdown at first might’ve been uncomfortable–possibly unbearable—but now you’re getting used to it, and even LIKE it. It’s given you time to think, reflect, read, and relax. Becoming friends with silence and solitude is a skill, and mastering it will get you through single life (and pandemics) like a pro.

“Man conquers the world by conquering himself,” said Greek philosopher Zeno. Now’s the time to prove it.

Some people avoid being alone at all costs, but according to research, the ability to be alone with yourself is actually essential for a healthy social life. Researchers Jeffrey A. Hall and Andy J. Merolla spell it out:

“We’d seen lots of research suggesting more social interactions are better,” Hall says, but “the one that had the strongest empirical support was that when you’re alone and content that way, that’s a great indicator that you’re socially healthy.”

Being single in a pandemic is a great test of your self-reliance. Enjoying your own company is everything.

“That’s why there are some people in the world who are almost never alone but feel lonely, and some people who are always alone and never feel lonely,” she says. “Solitude works when you feel satisfied on the whole with your connection to other people. Once you have that basic need met, it’s much easier to spend time alone.”

The bottom line with pandemics (and other shitty things that happen in life) is there’s always an upside: it can be worst thing ever, or the thing you needed to make changes, practice new skills, and find strength you thought you never had. Your choice.

Single or not, you always have options.

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For more wit, wisdom, and tough love dating advice, subscribe to my blog and follow me @trevabme

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Post-COVID Dating: The People You Still Need To Avoid

There’s going to come a time when life gets back to normal, and normal dating will resume. Other than still practicing some social distancing and washing your hands every five seconds, chances are, you’ll still be the same person you were before the pandemic, and so will the people you’ll be dating.

Except you might be feeling a little more desperate. Or lonely. Or starved for affection and human contact. And who could blame you? The problem is, these feelings might lead to making hasty choices.

How much a pandemic changes people, we don’t know, but what we do know is that coronavirus or no coronavirus, there are still people you need to avoid dating, no matter how horny or deprived you are.

I just read a great article by James Michael Sama about the five types of people you should avoid dating:

The Control Freak:
The person who tries to mold you into the person he/she wants you to be.

The Constant Complainer:
Someone who drags another down emotionally.

Silly Putty:
Someone who doesn’t have their own identity and relies on you for every decision.

The Center Of The Universe:
Someone who is so self-absorbed that everything needs to revolve around them.

The Ultra-Materialistic:
Someone who tries to use you for what you have, or someone who tries to use what they have to “get” you.

All of these are excellent, and I wholeheartedly agree with each one of them. If you’re going to be dating now or anytime in the future, stay the fuck away from the aforementioned types of people.

While you’re at it, here’s a few more types I came up with that I highly recommend staying more than six feet away from until the end of eternity:

The Person Not Over Their Ex:
If you thought COVID19 made you miserable, try dating someone who’s not over their ex. This type might physically be there, but their heart and minds aren’t. This person will keep you a secret, keep you guessing, and keep making excuses as to why they can’t be fully present. No matter how hot, smart, brilliant, cute, sexy you are, the ex will loom over your relationship, and you’ll either be forced to compete, or take a back seat. The worst part is, they’ll never admit they’re still hung up on the ex. They’ll just wait for the situation to become so untenable, you’ll have no choice but to leave. And good for you if you do.

The Person Looking To Be Needed, Saved, Or Has Attachment Issues:
Unless you like a damsel in distress or a wounded bird, avoid these types like your life depends on it. I know men and women who live to be needed; it gives them power and pumps up their ego. People with “savior complex” come in like white knights to save the day, and it’s all very noble and chivalrous until it becomes co-dependent and weird. Neediness is never sexy. Attachment is not love. Put your mask on and go find someone that doesn’t need saving, fixing, or rescuing.

The Chronically Bitter/Angry Person:
When you date someone who’s chronically bitter or angry, it’s always a fight: either with you, or with themselves. And if someone’s anger and bitterness is really entrenched, it becomes like a third person in the relationship who won’t go away. NEWSFLASH: your love will never soothe a person who constantly bitches or seethes about past disappointments, slights or failures. But good luck trying. Oh, and did I mention the walking on eggshells part? Good luck with that too!

The Crazy Person:
I don’t care how great the sex is, when you date a crazy person, you’re asking for trouble–and chaos, instability, inconsistency, and drama. Do you really need that after a pandemic? Like you haven’t had enough stress? How many refills of Xanax can you get to keep adding more anxiety to your life? Even after the coronavirus, you’ve got to keep practicing good habits, which starts with staying the hell away from crazy people.

The Newly Separated/Divorced Person:
If the word “Rebound” gives you a dry cough and shortness of breath, your body is telling you something: STAY AWAY FROM NEWLY SEPARATED/DIVORCED PEOPLE. More than likely, you’ll be a rebound after their relationship ends, and it won’t end well for you. Dating this type has serious side effects including general pain, suffering, frustration and fatigue. If you happen to meet one of these highly seductive creatures, lock yourself down immediately.

What’s the post-COVID dating prognosis? Until there’s a test that tells you what type you’re dealing with, you’ll just have to depend on your own good judgment to stay safe and healthy. But if you start getting symptoms, or suddenly feel lousy, you’ll know you’re dating the wrong person. Avoid them like the plague.

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Want more dating advice and wisdom from someone who’s been around the block? Sign up for my newsletter at www.trevabrandonscharf.com and follow me at @trevabme.

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Keeping Love Alive In The Time Of Coronavirus

If there was ever a time to rethink how we love and live, it’s now.

The coronavirus has changed life as we know it: how we live, function, do business, socialize, and date. But all is not bleak. Life will go on, and hopefully with more awareness and mindfulness. In the time of coronavirus, I think there’s a real opportunity to instill good habits and make positive changes.

SOCIAL DISTANCING: The greatest thing to happen to dating?

For someone who’s a huge fan of meeting IRL, coronavirus is really cramping my style. It’s completely thrown a wrench into my plans for people to meet the old-fashioned way. As a dating coach, I’m always telling clients to put down their phone and look up. Stop living behind your screens and engage; make eye contact, smile, talk to each other. Can’t do that now, we’re stuck inside. Social distancing was already a problem, and now people are retreating back into their devices again @#$*!

Social distancing is pissing me off, but at the same time, I know it’s teaching you single people mad skills on how to be alone with yourself (which makes me feel better).

Being alone is a big challenge for singles. It’s also a big reason why people hate being single. When you’re unable to be alone, it shows. It shows discomfort, desperation, fear, anxiousness, and lack of confidence. I’ve always said the happier and more secure/stable you are alone, you’re not only more attractive to potential partners, you’re better equipped to weather storms like the one we’re having right now.

Being stuck at home sucks, especially if you’re single. But while you’re sitting around, why not try to make friends with solitude?. Why not learn to stop needing noise and distractions, and fall in love with stillness and quiet? You may be alone for a while, so it’s excellent practice for when you’ll be back up and running again. Mastering these skills now will make you a better dater.

My secret weapon for weathering any storm where you find yourself alone, single, isolated, lonely or afraid (like after a breakup or during a pandemic), is mindful meditation and guided visualization. Nothing will make you stronger than sitting still for 10 minutes doing this:

  1. Have a seat on a couch or chair, with your back supported, hands folded in lap, eyes closed.
  2. Take a few deep breaths, from the belly up to the top of your lungs. Hold a few breaths at the top for five seconds, then fully and audibly exhale.
  3. With each exhale, drop your shoulders, and let the rest of your body release and relax.
  4. Do a body scan starting at your feet, moving up the body. Release any gripping or tension as you go. Make sure you also relax your mouth, jaw, and space between your eyebrows.
  5. Bring your awareness to your breathing, to the rise and fall of your chest. Observe it as you inhale and exhale. You’ll find your heart rate/anxiety slowing down at this point.
  6. Take your awareness outside your body for a moment, listening to the sounds around you, including the silence.
  7. Start your guided visualization.
  8. Think of all the things/people you’re grateful for. See them in your mind’s eye.
  9. Pick a few words/sentences that bring you strength, comfort, or inspiration. Like “I relax, release, let go,” or “I will be well no matter what,” or “I am strong and confident,” or “I can be alone no problemo,” or “Nothing can fuck with me.”
  10. See these words/sentences on a black screen in white type, and repeat them.
  11. Now visualize yourself doing something that brings you pride. See yourself finishing a tough task, meeting a challenge, or successfully being alone.
  12. Finally, take another few deep breaths and just be. Feel the peace and calm surround you. Open your eyes slowly, and go about your day.

I try to meditate everyday, especially when the shit is hitting the fan. The key is to make it a habit, and part of your emotional upkeep and maintenance. Meditating regularly will create changes in you to help you stay grounded–whether you’re single or coupled up.

Social distancing might not be optimal for dating, but it does force you to SLOW DOWN (another one of my faves along with mastering solitude).

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a hundred times: THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH TAKING YOUR TIME AND GOING SLOW. And there’s nothing like a virus floating around to make sure you do. You can’t hurry love, especially now, but you don’t have to completely isolate either. You can still connect and interact virtually, on your phone or computer.

Hello teledating!

FaceTime, Skype, or Zoom, and start meeting and greeting. Usually, I advise online daters to meet as soon as possible, because I hate endless texting and messaging. But now that we’re all sequestered, this is a great solution. You can see, hear, and get to know each other. It could be romantic, even intimate, since it’s not in a Starbucks. Pour yourself a glass of wine, put on some makeup, and treat it like a real date.

Things will get back to normal, love will survive, but to stay safe, fellow dating coach Sandy Weiner suggests taking the slow dating approach one step further in her article “Could Coronavirus Be The Best Thing To Happen To Dating?”:

“What if when we finally met, we didn’t touch—like no handshaking, kissing, or hugging? What if by keeping our hands, faces, and bodies apart for a month or two, it helped us get closer emotionally?

I believe it would be good to date during this viral epidemic. Go on more substantial dates. Less touching/more talking might help us deepen our emotional connection without the complications of adding sex to the relationship. Because we all know what happens to our common sense and ability to spot red flags once sex is in the picture.”

The coronavirus needn’t be a deal-breaker for daters. By all means, keep swiping, keep scrolling, keep putting yourself out there online, just make sure you wash your hands after, and use plenty of sanitizer too.

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Get more information on my favorite method of meditation here “Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR).

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We Need To Have A Talk About Having “The Talk”

Picture this scenario:

You’ve been in a relationship for a few months, and things are going well. There’s intimacy and possible signs of real commitment. There’s potential here, but you’re purposely keeping it light and letting things unfold. You see a future with this BF/GF, so you’re making sure not to pressure or get ahead of yourself. 

But as a few months slides into a year, you start wondering why the relationship isn’t progressing. You’re going along and getting along, but you’re not moving along. It seems comfortable enough, but you’re uncomfortable. You’re trying to be easy going, but you’re uneasy. The sex is still good, so why worry? But still, you wonder:

Why haven’t I met his kids or family yet?

Why aren’t we talking about the future? 

Why isn’t he asking me to move in?

Why is she going on trips and not inviting me?

Why don’t I ever get texts, cards, or little gifts saying he’s thinking about me? 

Why doesn’t she include me with friends?

Why is he always too busy?

Why haven’t we said “I love you” to each other?

You feel something’s up. You want answers, but don’t dare ask, lest you rock the boat or appear needy. You’re probably being paranoid anyway. Maybe there’s a good reason for their distance. Maybe they’re taking their time, or they’re cautious, or maybe they really are busy at work.

You keep your mouth shut until you can’t take it any longer. The unknown is killing you, so you finally say “We need to talk.” 

So you make a date to sit down either at your place or somewhere neutral like a restaurant, and have “The Talk.” You ask “Where is this going? Do you want to be in a relationship? What are you looking for? Are we exclusive?” All the questions you’ve been dying to ask because you need to know your future. And who can blame you? No one wants to get hurt, be rejected, give their heart away, or invest time and energy into something that’s going nowhere. 

But here’s the thing with “The Talk:” what you gain in answers, you lose in self-determination. Twice in my life I had “The Talk,” and both times made me feel pitiful. I knew my boyfriends probably didn’t want to move forward, but I didn’t have the guts to pull the plug, nor did they have the balls to end it, so I swallowed my pride and took my lumps as they handed me my fate. When you have “The Talk,” you not only give all your power and agency away, you put your future into someone else’s hands to determine.   

If you have to have “The Talk,” you already know the answers. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for having “The Talk,” but instead of waiting to be handed your fate, be proactive and tell them where YOU stand. State YOUR needs first. Tell your BF/GF what YOU want. Tell them where YOU want to go, and if they’re not on-board, then end it on YOUR terms, with dignity and grace.  

Here’s “The Talk” I want you to initiate:

YOU: “We’ve been dating a while, and I’m sensing some reticence on your part. I’m not sure if you share my goals for this relationship, but if we’re not on the same page, then let’s not keep spinning each other’s wheels. I’d like to move on if that’s the case.” 

If you approach “The Talk” from a place of resolve and strength, power instead of passivity, it will arm you for what comes next.

Be prepared for answers you may not want to hear. Be prepared to breakup. Be prepared to cry. Be prepared to walk away. Be prepared for shit to get real. Your BF/GF might not fight for you, or they may profess their true love. The good news is, whatever “The Talk” reveals, you will be well prepared to take your future into your own hands.  

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